One lamp – thy mother’s love – amid the stars
Shall lift its pure flame changeless, and before
The throne of God, burn through eternity -
Holy – as it was lit and lent thee here.~ Nathaniel Parker Willis
Damian turned four months old today. He had a check up with Dr Kincaid this afternoon and he is healthy and perfect in every way (and teething!) This evening her crawled all the way across the bed. I’m so insanely proud. I cannot believe how fast time has gone by, four months already!
And yet… I can hardly imagine life without my Bumblebee. When I try to imagine it, my existence feels so incomplete without him. When I look at Damian (growing so fast!) soundly sleeping against my legs as I type this, I know that I would do anything for him. I know that I would give my life to protect him, I would have given my life even before he was born to protect him. I wonder if all mothers feel this way?
Some might say (and have said,) it has only been four months, how can I be so certain of the depth and berth of my love for my son? In response I can only say, how could I ever be uncertain? My love for Damian echoes in every cell, in every molecule of my being. No matter how much he can frustrate me, I always love him. I loved him before I met him.
Recently, in one of my online communities, a mother lost her three month old daughter to SIDS. I cannot even begin to fathom that kind of pain. Quite literally, my mind will not even allow my thoughts to wander in that direction, there is a white hot wall of agony barring my mind from dwelling on that horrific thought for more then a second. My heart has never ached so much at any other thought. The mother of that baby left the community, questioning if she should even be in the group anymore, as she was no longer a mother.
I wanted to cry out and wrap my arms around her, holding her as much to sooth her pain as my own. I want to cry “You will ALWAYS be a mother!” Even if she must wait till the end of her days on this Earth to hold her child again. I truly and deeply believe her baby will be waiting for her in the life after, unchanged in the face of time and in the care of angels.
Motherhood is a transformation of self that can never be reversed. Damian is a part of me. I will never again be the same person as I was before he was conceived. To be a mother is to acknowledge a love so infinite that even God stands in awe of its power. It is to be Goddess. Such a bond cannot be broken, especially not by mortal death, for as long as we draw breath, the memories of our children live on in this world. And when we draw breath no more, we will find ourselves in the Sommerlands with them running into our arms.
I wonder if all mothers feel this way?
(Photo taken by Andrea and fiddled with by me.)