“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.”
- the Dalai Lama

Michael and I have a very long conversation after his post about spirituality and love and hate. Michael’s recent post has naturally caused its own degree of uproar, I expected as much, and not unjustly. If the a church (LDS or not) had given money to try to remove womens’ rights or black rights would we be having this conversation or would people see that as hate? The bibles might say that being gay is bad but it also has a ton of other rules people do not follow, for example we do not execute brides who are not virgins (Deuteronomy 22:13-21) nor are widows who’s husbands died before they can have children forced to be impregnated by the late husband’s brothers (Mark 12:18-27) thank goodness right? Anyhow, the purpose of this post it not to discuss the bible or gay rights.

I think the 14th Dalai Lama is an amazing man and his teachings ring true to my soul. I try to let his teachings on compassion be the foundation of my actions towards others. It is really hard to not give into negative feelings regarding others. It is so easy to hate. It would be so easy to be angry at Michael’s parents for their intolerant views, it would be so easy to be angry at Michael for wanting to cut of ties with them. It would be so easy to be angry at the LDS church for opposing gay rights and funneling money into a political movement (something I see as hate speech and a violation of the seperation of church and state.) Sometimes I want to hate the people who hate.

But I can’t. I know I cannot steer anyone’s mind towards tolerance with hate and anger, that can only be accomplished through compassion and love.

Michael’s parents are good people, Michael is a good person, but I have to recognize that there is a lot of history here. 21 years of history before I ever met or moved in with Michael. Michael’s whole family, as far as I know, are Mormon. Michael, their eldest son, is not, he left the church. Anyone who comes from a family like this knows what kind of tension this causes, though I thought this tension has lessened over time. When I moved in with Michael, I became the bridge between him and his family. I think this gay rights thing is the hair that broke the camels back.

Now the question arises, how can I address this situation with compassion. It would be easy to take sides. To be honest, I am not exactly sure what I am going to do right now. What is easy and what is right are unfortunately not always the same thing. At the moment, I have chosen to support Michael’s decision and mostly stay out of the matter. I have to have faith in his decision regarding his family and I have to trust he made it for the good of our son.

Gay issues rarely come up in family discussions but when it does the words do fly. Do I want Damian in an environment like that? There is a fine line between debating and fighting. I learned a long time ago to tune out fighting, so maybe I missed this building up. Last month at the family potluck Michael and his mother debated about civil liberties, it did not end on a good note because they couldn’t find common ground. The overtone of the argument was morals and seperation of church and state.

I love my in laws. I will not keep them from seeing their grandson or myself but I will also not go out of my way to meet up with them, until I figure out where I stand on this issue. Heart and head are not agreeing at the moment. Where does one draw the line between accepting someone for who they are and condoning negative behavior? Should you give more leniency to family then others?

Some people have asked if we would keep Damian from having friends with hateful views, and while I would hope he would have better sense then to run with people like that, I would not (unless they were drug dealers or something, always extenuating circumstances.) However this question is not relevant at the moment, Damian is a baby, not a child in school. The question is, so should I shelter him from anger, arguments and hate right now, in these early most formative years?

The Dalai Lama has said “The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual’s own reason and critical analysis.” This is a very complex issue, one that I know won’t blow over. I know I must tread lightly and think deeply. Until then I am using the advice my mother has offered me since I was a child. If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all. So for now I am just going to try stay out of this, which admittedly is not the easiest thing for me to do!