My nightmares have changed since becoming a parent, they use to be about me, now they are about my children. Ultimately this makes they far more terrifying.

I had a nightmare last night that I was shopping with Danielle (someone I know through the internet) and her son Liam. We were leaving Costco and Liam and Damian were sitting side by side in the cart. I wish everywhere had Costco carts, only place you can fit two kids side by side in the upper part. Liam was a toddler in the dream and wearing some of Damian’s cuter hand-me-downs. Damian was about three I think. Ivy and Lyra (Danielle’s second child, she doesn’t have one though!) were with a babysister. As we loaded the van we were turned away from the cart for just a moment, and Damian started screaming. Danielle and I both jumped and turned around and Liam was missing.

I cannot describe the feeling I felt in that moment. Though Liam is not mine, in the dream he might as well of been. I think any mother can relate to the feeling in our hearts when we hear about missing children. After a few moments of panicked searching, Danielle went running back into the store and I quickly closed the van, put Damian in his carseat and locked him in the van (a little weird, but it was a dream. I think I thought Damian would be safer in the van.) Then I ran after Danielle. Inside Costco was like the mall, and together we searched the food court, the movie theater and Victoria’s Secret (???) We couldn’t find him, no one was listening to us and our phones were in the van. We ran back out to the van to get them and found the window broken and Damian missing. There was blood everywhere. I started screaming…

Then I woke up.

When I woke up, I got out of bed. I had fallen asleep with Ivy breastfeeding so I set her in her crib (which is right beside our bed) and looked over at Michael. Damian came to our bed in the middle of last night and he was snuggled with his daddy. BIG sigh of relief. Still I felt so unnerved, I had to get up and checked the house. Wish I had had a baseball bat, that is how freaked out I was. Granted I might have hit the cat who jumped over the basement stair baby gate as I walked past it. I haven’t jumped that high in a long time.

Then I thought, what caused the nightmare? This is how I talk myself out of the fear they cause. I don’t know why I was with Danielle and Liam. They live in Ontario and the likelihood that I will ever meet them in low, much less go to Costco with them. But other then that, the other day at Ivy’s eye appointment I was talking to another mother who worked for a company that sells baby home id kits. You can take your kid’s finger prints and some hair and keep it in this little box should it ever be needed. They also sell gps trackers that you put in their shoe. I thought it sounded silly at that moment but my subconscious was obviously stirred by it. Then when we were in Costco the other week I remember seeing a little girl crying and just as I was starting to think she might be lost her father picked her up. Except my subconscious again filed it away, how fast someone could disappear, especially with how spirited and wandering Damian can be. Then there are all these stories in the news lately about missing children…

You can see how an imagination can create such a nightmare with all that material. I’m still feeling rather unnerved though. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my babies. Hugging them a little tighter then usual today.