Three of my grandparents have had hospitalizations in recent days. My Nana (father’s side) has stage four cancer, my Grandma (mother’s side) is recovering from needing her retina reattached and Grandpa Stott (Michael’s maternal grandfather) had heart problems. He is having heart surgery in the next few days. I have spent a lot of time in recent days sending prayers and healing energy their way. While I have an altar dedicated to my path in my home but I have been preferring to take my thoughts outside and sit on a blanket beside my bench garden this week. (I’d be on the bench but it’s not finished yet!) Watching Damian run around squealing with the pure joy of childhood and Ivy gurgling away as she crawls off the blanket in search of dandelion puffs makes me feel more spiritual then any amount of time indoors.
I mentioned yesterday that the daffodils sent by my mom and grandma are blooming. It seems so right that they are in my favorite blooming stage now, just beginning to open, ready to explode with all their potential. They also remind me that no matter what, the world is full of blessings of all shapes and sizes. You just has to open your eyes and heart to see them (flowers and the laughter of children makes a niffy lockpick for that door by the way!)
I have been thinking a lot lately, perhaps too much if you know what I mean. Couple that with Ivy’s latest growth spurt and teething, as well as Damian retesting his boundaries as of late (especially when I am nursing Ivy and he knows I can’t keep as close an eye on him) I have been feeling a little frayed around the edges.
I try to keep my blog nice and light, but sometimes it just needs to be an outlet, so here we go! Being a mommy of two is tough! Some days I feel like I don’t even exist. Not that I’m physically absent, but that my desires and dreams are absent, that which makes up “Me”. I feel like those those fundamental parts are swept away in the tsunami of motherhood. It is so very overwhelming. (Completely Honest Moment: Sometimes when I am really frustrated, I put Ivy in her crib, Damian in his room and shut myself in the bathroom. I sit in the empty tub for a few minutes to center myself.) Mommies need time outs too.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and the good moments far outweigh the bad, but some days I’d rather be doing something easier, like wrestling alligators or charming cobras. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world who feels this way, no one ever talks about the darker moments of motherhood. It can be a little lonely.
Damian loves my altar, where I keep whatever is calling to me spiritually at the moment. However not everything on it is safe for child hands so out rarely used pine coffee table has been requisitioned for a children’s altar (aka nature table.)
It gets rearranged daily as pieces get added to it and carted off by my enthusiastic 22 month old all the time. This is what it looked a few days ago. Today it is featuring similar elements minus the basket and plus The Very Hungry Caterpillar (love reading that to the kids) and some rocks Damian collected in the yard.
I think that tactile experience is very important, especially for young children (though as an adult I cannot deny my love of textures. It drives Michael nuts in craft stores, I touch everything.) Lucky for me the natural world provides a free and inexhaustible source of tactile material. You should see the joy Damian finds playing with dry beans and different sized canning jars and funnels. Heck I thought it was pretty fun too.
Do you have a similar area for your children (or yourself?)
