(Can you believe Damian was two months old here? Look at those squishy cheeks, that is enough to melt this mommy’s heart.)

Our choice to bed-share with Damian is probably the parenting practice I talk the least about. I have always felt that more families in this country bed-share then statics illustrate (even if they didn’t set out to do so,) especially when the mother breastfeeds, but that the societal taboo regarding it keeps them all but silent too.

Bed-sharing (also called the family bed or co-sleeping) is a practice in which children sleep with one or both parents, as opposed to being in a crib. According to wikipedia, it has been widely practiced historically and is still standard practice in many parts of the world, and is practiced by a significant minority in countries where infant beds are also used.

Why did we chose to bed-share? The reason at the very top of that list would be breastfeeding. Damian falls asleep at the breast and is difficult to move, when I lay down to feed him, I often fall asleep too. Seems like a match made in heaven doesn’t it? It became so natural to breastfeed at night that Damian quit waking up to find a breast, which was really nice (not having to sooth a baby back to sleep.)

The number one question I am asked regarding bed-sharing is if I have ever worried about crushing/suffocating/otherwise maiming Damian in my sleep. The first night we brought him home I did, but I haven’t since. Honestly, there has never been a time when something even scared me about Damian laying between Michael and I. Normally Damian and I sleep on our sides, facing each other. His head rests on my elbow so that my arm very naturally wraps around cradles him in his sleep. When I roll over (if he needs to switch sides to eat) I hold him lightly to my chest and the transition is easy, not even waking him up. If his breathing changes at night or he fusses even a tiny amount for any reason I instantly wake up. I don’t think any of those indicates I am a light sleeper or hypersensitive, they are just instincts I naturally have as a mother. I don’t worry about Michael either, he has the his own protective Daddy instincts.

It is important that bed-sharing bed done properly though. I say properly because people often tell me bed-sharing horror stories when they find out we do about the death of a child because of bed-sharing. Not surprisingly these stories seem to always involve a parenting on drugs or who is drunk or one who has health problem (sleep apnea for example.) Getting drunk or high and passing out on your baby is not bed-sharing, it is child abuse.

I am also asked if I worry about him being co-dependent. While my proof is anecdotal, Damian is a very independent one-year-old, so I really have no worries. There is some research that has been done that seems to show there are actually quite a few benefits to bed-sharing. Since I am not here to talk to into doing it, I’ll just link anyone interested to an article about bed-sharing and the research that has been done.

People also ask me if Michael and my intimacy took a hit since we bed-share. (Dad, skip this paragraph unless you want to be mentally scarred again.) Yes, it took some adjustment. Yes, we have sex less. But people, you can have sex in other places then a bed and just because you bed-share does not mean a baby cannot be laid down elsewhere for a short nap. So yes, sex takes more planning, but I am pregnant again so obviously something happened. I hear couples who use cribs talk about a decline in sexual activity too, so I don’t think it is really as big an issue as it seems. Where there is a will, there is a way, right?

How long will we bed-share? Michael and I actually bought Damian a toddler bed four days ago. We knew that we did not want to move him to a crib, so Michael and I decided to waited until Damian was completely competent at getting in and out of our bed (which he has been for about a month.) We didn’t want to rush him into his own room, so his new bed is currently between the wall and my side of the bed (see thumbnail, his Grandma Stewart made that quilt by the way!) Damian has been taking his nap in it and I lay him down after his night feeding for bed time. He doesn’t stay in it all night yet, and I am not forcing him to, but every night he stays in it a little bit longer. (I am a big fan of gradual transitions.) If I was not pregnant, I would probably let him bed-share longer, but I want him to be well adjusted to sleeping on his own well before the new baby arrives so that the does not feel that he is being evicted and replaced.

I want to re-emphasize, bed-sharing is definitely not for everyone. Just like our other parenting decisions, the key to making bed-sharing work is that Michael and I decided on it together while looking at the needs of our child. Both of us like bed-sharing and neither of us get high, drunk or have medical conditions that impact our sleeping habits. Ultimately we made a choice that we felt was the healthiest for Damian and in the end that is all that matters to us.