My nightmares have changed since becoming a parent, they use to be about me, now they are about my children. Ultimately this makes they far more terrifying.

I had a nightmare last night that I was shopping with Danielle (someone I know through the internet) and her son Liam. We were leaving Costco and Liam and Damian were sitting side by side in the cart. I wish everywhere had Costco carts, only place you can fit two kids side by side in the upper part. Liam was a toddler in the dream and wearing some of Damian’s cuter hand-me-downs. Damian was about three I think. Ivy and Lyra (Danielle’s second child, she doesn’t have one though!) were with a babysister. As we loaded the van we were turned away from the cart for just a moment, and Damian started screaming. Danielle and I both jumped and turned around and Liam was missing.

I cannot describe the feeling I felt in that moment. Though Liam is not mine, in the dream he might as well of been. I think any mother can relate to the feeling in our hearts when we hear about missing children. After a few moments of panicked searching, Danielle went running back into the store and I quickly closed the van, put Damian in his carseat and locked him in the van (a little weird, but it was a dream. I think I thought Damian would be safer in the van.) Then I ran after Danielle. Inside Costco was like the mall, and together we searched the food court, the movie theater and Victoria’s Secret (???) We couldn’t find him, no one was listening to us and our phones were in the van. We ran back out to the van to get them and found the window broken and Damian missing. There was blood everywhere. I started screaming…

Then I woke up.

When I woke up, I got out of bed. I had fallen asleep with Ivy breastfeeding so I set her in her crib (which is right beside our bed) and looked over at Michael. Damian came to our bed in the middle of last night and he was snuggled with his daddy. BIG sigh of relief. Still I felt so unnerved, I had to get up and checked the house. Wish I had had a baseball bat, that is how freaked out I was. Granted I might have hit the cat who jumped over the basement stair baby gate as I walked past it. I haven’t jumped that high in a long time.

Then I thought, what caused the nightmare? This is how I talk myself out of the fear they cause. I don’t know why I was with Danielle and Liam. They live in Ontario and the likelihood that I will ever meet them in low, much less go to Costco with them. But other then that, the other day at Ivy’s eye appointment I was talking to another mother who worked for a company that sells baby home id kits. You can take your kid’s finger prints and some hair and keep it in this little box should it ever be needed. They also sell gps trackers that you put in their shoe. I thought it sounded silly at that moment but my subconscious was obviously stirred by it. Then when we were in Costco the other week I remember seeing a little girl crying and just as I was starting to think she might be lost her father picked her up. Except my subconscious again filed it away, how fast someone could disappear, especially with how spirited and wandering Damian can be. Then there are all these stories in the news lately about missing children…

You can see how an imagination can create such a nightmare with all that material. I’m still feeling rather unnerved though. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my babies. Hugging them a little tighter then usual today.

I had a zombie nightmare last night and it was really scary while I was in it, but kind of funny now that I’m awake. (And no, I haven’t watched any zombie movies for a few months now. Not since Samhain.)

I was in a house that looked like my uncle Stan’s but which had the yard and basement of our current house. It was snowing heavily and I was getting ready for our annual Yule party (which is today in real life.) Andrea called me to let me know she’d be late since zombies were blocking her car, she told me to turn on my tv. When I did they were on screen, in the perspective of looking out Andrea’s eyes. In the dream this made sense as she had just recently received her “Blackberry implant” and was now completely wired.

Peter was dressed in Samurai armor and was throwing pine tree bonsais at the zombies (funny because Peter really does have Samurai armor and has tons of little pine trees in his grow room.) Andrea was throwing turnips (which I need for a recipe, Michael is picking some up on his way home.) Unfortunately neither weapons were ineffective and though they got in their car the zombies pulled them out and ate them (very Night of the Living Dead-ish.)

Frantically I called Shannon, when she picked up she informed me of her similar situation. She was using a snow shovel to knock them down her basement stairs as they came in her back door (so much for her roommate…) Her last words before I heard a snap and gurgling were “but I have a shovel!”

I called Michelle and Mikcos but no one picked up, nor did Michael. In my dream Michael was at work (as he is this morning for a few hours) but I wasn’t worried since they had a zombie shelter. Damian and Ivy were not in my dream (thank you subconscious.) My mom was out with my uncle, so it was just my grandma and grandpa Mason and brother at home. We all fortified ourselves in the basement, armed with canning jars. When the zombies broke threw the door we all screamed “I want my mom!” and started throwing the jars.

Just before I woke up I realized all the zombies had iphone implants…

Weird huh?

Time is flying by lately and Damian seems to be growing in leaps and bounds. I feel like he is coming up with some new little thing to wow us with every day. It is so magical to witness his personality developing. Lately we have been fully appreciating the last warm days of summer in our backyard. I’ve been watching Damian’s love for flowering dandelions transition to a love of dandelions that have gone to seed. He wanders around and picks all that he can cram into his little hands and then either blows on them or makes a running b-line for one of the raised beds. While I am generally faster then him (I’ve noticed the pregnant waddle returning recently,) I do now have a few little quarantine areas in the winter bed where I am watching for explosions of dandelion sprouts among the carrot. Do you think he will be helping me plant seeds next Spring?

My website ticker says that I am 30 weeks along with just 70 days until Ivy’s due date. Seriously, time is flying by! My midwife will be drawing blood this afternoon for the usual tests, ick! Not that I have any apprehension, but I don’t think anyone enjoys being stuck. I am grateful that Beth will be doing the draw I never feel it and she gets it right the first time (in the past nurses and doctors tend to butcher my arm looking for something to tap.) I have wanted to clarify something about my midwife, recently I was asked if I have two of them as I often refer to my midwife as either Beth or Linda. The answer is yes… and no. The Spokane Midwives practice is owned by both Linda and Beth but it is only ever one of them who gives me my check ups and only one will be attending Ivy’s birth (with an assistant.) Linda was the one who helped deliver Damian but I wouldn’t have minded if it had been Beth on call. I love them both and they are both equally experienced certified nurse midwives.

Since time is zooming along, I am pulling out my Bradley Method workbook today. When I was pregnant with Damian we took Bradley classes and while I was a bit of a skeptic at the time I know now that it is definitely the right choice for my body and desire for another natural birth. So in other words, it is time to start the review.

Another question I was asked recently is if I am having the intense and spiritual dreams that I had when I was pregnant with Damian during this pregnancy too. If you followed this blog when I was carrying Damian you might remember the dreams I had involving both condors and snakes. I have had similar dreams this time around but mainly with jackals (sometimes they are coyotes) and snakes. Lately luna moths have been present in some of the dreams too. The animals have never been frightened me, completely the opposite, they all have been incredibly maternal, supportive and protective. Even the moths, which are luna moths but prehistorically large are oddly maternal. So far they have only been present in the dreams where I have just given birth and they cover Ivy like a cozy blanket.

I generally try not to make predictions (at least not publicly) with my pregnancies, after all I thought Ivy was a boy, but I also keep dreaming she will be born the day after Thanksgiving, November 27th, which was my Grandpa Mason’s birthday (and the day I broke my arm when I was 13 too but let’s not think about that.) We will see I guess!

(One of the projects I am working on that Damian is helping with is building new raised beds. He is really enjoying helping me double dig the ground which they will be built on! And yes, he is running in circles through the freshly turned dirt waving a little plastic garden fork in this photo.)

I know that every pregnancy is different (I have been told so ever since I conceived Damian and probably before then too!) but the differences are really quite remarkable. My physical condition is not really that different from when I was last pregnant but my psychological condition definitely is. Not to say I have gone to stark raving mad (too late! Mwahahahaha!) and it is really nothing negative at all… Let me try to explain. When I was pregnant with Damian, I was acutely aware of my pregnancy; every kick or flutter, every moment of nausea or cramp, every little thing, and now with Ivy I have hardly noticed any of that at all. Sure she kicks, and I am definitely noticing the nudges to the bladder more often as she grows, but I do not feel the intense connection with this pregnancy that I did with Damian. Not that it really bothers me, I don’t have time to worry about it.

I would hazard to guess that chasing around a toddler all day, as well as all the other domestic chores and projects in my life are a big factor in why I have very much compartmentalized this pregnancy. I am not concerned about it but when I really think about it I kind of miss the connection. I think I might need to set aside some time for just her and I, maybe while Damian naps. On some visceral level I feel it is important for me to connect with her at this point in her development too. Does that seem silly? It is not as if she is going to remember me rubbing my belly and talking to her.

I do not want to regret anything about this pregnancy, I have one regret with Damian’s which I want to “fix” this time. I did not have prenatal photos taken, this October I am hoping Andrea will be willing to take them for me. She is the one who did the Stewart photos last year as well as our family photos with then month-old Damian. I want to make a birthing necklace that will be a mandala for Ivy when she is older with this pregnancy too. I have decided that I am going to have a mother blessing (sometimes called a blessing way) in October, rather then a baby shower. Other then a handful of items, I have most of what I need for Ivy since we needed it for Damian. A mother blessing is a more spiritually oriented ceremony then a shower, here is a nice little article talking about them.

One thing that has not changed at all from Damian’s pregnancy is the wild pregnancy dreams. The carrion eating animals are still even present, though whereas with Damian they were condors and vultures, with Ivy they are coyotes and jackals. While that might creep some people out, I find the dreams immensely comforting.

Anyhow, I just thought I would post some of my thoughts regarding this pregnancy since some people have asked. For the curious, to answer the remaining questions I have gotten breifly. I will be using a midwife again, still Linda and Beth, and am planning a homebirth assuming all continues to go well (I am not really concerned with anyone’s opinions regarding this, I assume your pro or con opinions have no changed since I made a similar choice with my last birth.) Physically, other then the occasional migraine (which are going away as my pregnancy progresses as they did with Damian,) I feel fantastic. Ivy is growing just fine and her heartbeat is strong. Her kicks to my bladder are becoming quite strong too. I am the right weight and my blood pressure is perfect. I am not quite as limber as before naturally (this bump is getting in the way!) but I have managed to keep with Damian and my daily walks and yoga. Damian is starting to notice Ivy kick when he sits against me, which is more amusing then I thought it would be, hehe.

Damian is starting to get old enough that he wants to help with everything, and while that doesn’t always help (if you know what I mean) I know he is going to be a fantastic older brother and great mommy helper when Ivy arrives. Both of which give me comfort and make me happy. I am happy. Everyone keeps asking me that for some reason. I am very much looking forward to meeting Ivy (her official due date is December 4th for the curious.) I am thrilled with my life and where it is leading, I am in love with my husband, I adore my son, I have fantastic and supportive friends. Most of all, I am also thrilled that we are nearing autumn, cooler weather sounds so wonderful right now.

The soul has wings that bring it forth into the wonder we know as Life, it comes to us from the Sommerlands, from Heaven, from the Unknown. In this state of Life, it can laugh, cry, awaken, mourn, create, frustrate, hope… love. Maybe sometimes the soul isn’t always ready for these wonders, it can be pretty overwhelming to be born, (or reborn) but when does choose to come forth into our marvelous, tumultuous, inspiring little world it is a truly amazing experience. I know this because I have given birth and I knew the moment I looked into Damian’s eyes that his radiant soul knew it too. Who knew one tiny blue speck in the vastness of the universe could harbor such amazing potential?

Life, as we known it, begins and ends, what comes before or after is a mystery to most. I know the soul exists, the evidence is in my dreams, Damian’s soul came to me on wings. I accept that come people don’t agree, some people see my evidence as simple faith but my faith makes all things possible. I definitely believe in the divine, maybe not a single omnipotent being, but I believe that there are sacred forces out there that are worthy of my respect.

To me Life is most certainly only one side of a coin, the Mystery is the other. Death (and Birth) I suppose is that thin edge connecting the two. It is a turning point, a veil, obscuring the great beyond. Many of us feel apprehension as we look at Death (and as we wait for a Birth too.) Why, do we fear the Mystery? To people of faith, we might feel an understanding of the Mystery, but even we see the transition as daunting and sometimes terrifying, both to watch and experience.

Everything must eventually die. From the body the soul takes flight once more back into the Mystery, into the embracing, welcoming and joyous light of the divine. For some, the ancestors who have not yet returned to Life will be there to greet them under the golden apple trees of the Sommerlands, for others all their loved ones in Heaven as well as God will be there with open arms. I know those I love and who have crossed over look back at us and smile. They send their love and check in from time to time.

Birth is a celebration, the midwifing a beautiful soul into our world. It is a mysterious and wondrous transition. Death is also mysterious but should it be celebrated? Sometimes the dieing are fortunate enough to be comforted, to be midwifed back into the Mystery, surrounded by those who love them. We hold varying degrees of rituals and celebrations for those who pass on. I do think some kind of farewell is necessary, if only to bring comfort to our own souls.

I had a dream last night, and echo of one I had when I was a few months pregnant, when I condor brought me Damian’s soul. I watched the condor as it lead a shinning flying soul into the starlit sky and the light of that soul grew as it rose, a blazing lantern at first, then a radiant sun, then an all colorful shifting blue and gold light, the aura that which faded into a streaking shooting star passing over the horizon of our Wild Old Mama Earth.

I knew I had to share the dream when I woke up, so here we are at the end of my post. I am a bit lacking for some form of eloquent conclusion so I will share I little Eskimo legend I heard once that seems strangely fitting with that dream.

On the darkest nights, near the stairway from Earth to the Sky (the constellation we know as Orion,) the ancestors come out to dance. The stars are the lights around their dance floor and they are the Gulla, the aura. They are letting us know that they are happy.

…wrought its ghost upon the floor

I occasionally make photo manipulations, but I rarely share them, obviously this being an exception. For the most part, all my them are strongly inspired by my dreams, this one is no exception. One chronic problem I have in my dreams is not being able to find my glasses, so because of that I purposely left this thing a little blurry.

Stock from mjranum-stock, InKi-Stock and diamondie-stock.

The bird character I am thinking about designing is going to be similar to this dream being if you are wondering. Only less intimidating more colorful. I am really liking the sun conure for that.

I have a question for my bird savvy readers.

This is probably just a flash of my imagination adding my favorite color to a bird, but I had a dream last night starring the little guy, so I thought I would share a little. (My dream mind has been active lately! It seems to go in phases.) I’ll try to describe him using my limited knowledge of birds…

I say “he” because I have always been under the impression that male birds where the mostly boldly colors, and he definitely had that going for him. In size and shape, he looked like the typical little chubby pointy beaked bird I would see at my neighbor’s feeder. Small enough to sit in my palm. Beyond that he had the most vivid orange face and throat with some black marks around his face. He had a white tummy and the rest of him was some patterning of black and white. He sounded pretty, so maybe a songbird? Though someone told me recently a crow is a songbird too. I love them but I admit their croaking never struck me as overly melodious. So I am not sure what makes a bird a songbird…

I am thinking maybe I saw him in a book or magazine (or in nature!) at some point, so maybe this is a real bird, or some collage of several. I find all dreams have some grain of truth, so I always like trying to tease that truth out.
At first I thought orioles, the only orange bird I know, but when I looked them up, the patterning looked completely wrong (delightfully orange though) and too big.

It was a happy random dream, maybe just a birthday gift of orange goodness from my subconscious! Speaking of which, thank you all for the birthday wishes so far, I am feeling the fellow blogger love!

EDIT #1: I have been surfing “orange bird” on google images and found this, a little bit creepy but I totally love it.

EDIT #2: We have a winner! It looks exactly like it (my subconscious has a good memory!)

This is a Blackburnian Warbler. He is a yellower here then in my dream but hey, otherwise an exact match! Cute little guy isn’t he?

Last night I had a dream that Raveness (I read her blog over on livejournal) was giving me a tattoo in Greg’s (my father-in-law) office, he has a CPA business. For some reason Greg’s landlord had rented out half of the building to a tattoo parlor. There was a glass wall down the middle. Though Raveness was present through most of the dream, I don’t think we talk about anything substantial. We were talking though.

The tattoo was bizarre to say the least. The central design of the tattoo was encircled by one of my sun designs but it seemed to be shifting around, as if the rays were real. Raveness was just finishing the centeral design when I came into the dream. It was a snake in the form of a waxing crescent moon. It’s tail was the top point of the crescent, the body coiled back and forth to make up the main middle section and the head was the bottom point. It was holding a lantern in its mouth. The tattoo was on my back, behind my manipura chakra (solar plexus.) I mention this chakra because I remember thinking specifically about that in the dream. The snake was a part of that chakra, that thought made more sense in the dream.

At one point I got distracted and when I looked back at the mirror the “moon” was full. The snake was coiled in a circle, head in the middle, it’s eyes made of stars. The eyes were more more then eyes though, they seemed to be holes in me and the stars were inside me, shining through. At the same time, the eyes seemed to be looking at me too. Not sure where the lantern was at this point, maybe outside the sun disk…

Though the dream was black and white, the tattoo seemed to shine like tarnished silver, but it hinted at gold tones too, the same hues as Mexican gold. The whole tattoo seemed to have a life of its own, but it was definitely drawn on my skin.

Michael came by to pick me up. We were living with my mother, or she was living with us, I think the latter. I was trying to figure out how to hide it from her because I was concerned the moving tattoo would freak her out. I also didn’t think she would approve and didn’t want to make any waves. Then in the middle of those thoughts, the roof suddenly collapsed, snow came pouring in (we have had over 60 roof collapsed from snow load around Spokane in the past week, so this isn’t as random as it seems, as it has been on my mind recently.) My brother was standing at the edge of the hole in the roof for some reason and saw my tattoo.

We all got outside safely and he came down from the roof and teasing me that he was going to tell mom. At that point I didn’t really care anymore though. Marko (my boyfriend before I was with Michael) was in the crowd outside, which I noticed only fleetingly then, but seems to be hanging on my mind now that I am awake. My thoughts were drifting at this point between being really pleased with my tattoo and being worried about Greg’s work. Everything felt so surreal.

At some point during these thoughts I woke up.

I had a dream the other night that Damian (my son) was surrounded by different colored lights. I have had similar dreams in the past but this one was particularly vivid, so I thought I would draw it.

I don’t know much about auras but it kind of reminds me of aura drawings I have seen. I thought I would post it because I like how it looks and thought someone might have some thoughts on interpreting it.

(Helaris posted and interesting interpretation of this here, on my deviantart.)

I was up late with Damian last night so I napped today. When I did I had this really horrible dream reflecting something that happened when I worked at Walmart (over 4 years ago.) It was the first place I worked after I left home and moved to the USA.

A little bit of history on the source of the dream; when I was going through orientation for Walmart we had to watch a couple videos about the evils of unions and how to deal with someone who approaches you about them. We had to fill out a questionnaire about them too and sign an anti-union pledge as well I believe. I just barely 18-years-old at the time and very naive, I believed everything in the videos. At one point my manager flat out told me that I could lose my greencard if I joined a union (which I believed.)

Some time later one of my coworkers approached me and said he was having a talk at his place after work about starting a union. Being the good little worker bee I was, I went to my manager, like the video taught me, and reported him. He was fired a couple days later. It didn’t occur to me at the time that it was because of the union thing.

So my dream:

The person who was fired from Walmart showed up at my door. They were addicted to methadone or some other drug and very angry at me. He said I had destroyed his life and he couldn’t get a job after Walmart fired him. He told me his wife had left him after being jobless for months and wouldn’t let him see his children. I was afraid he was going to kill me though I woke up before anything like that happened.

Anyhow, the dream unnerved me a little. I haven’t really thought of Walmart since I left it and moved here to Spokane. A lot of crap happened there, stuff that in retrospect, I can’t believe I let happened. I allowed myself to be discriminated against for being a woman, I worked off the clock so I wouldn’t get fired for overtime since I also would have been fired for not finishing my job, I drove machinery I was not certified on because my manager said so. I saw people dispose of dangerous chemicals down the drain so we wouldn’t have to pay for hazardous waste disposable and didn’t stand up for anyone who was demeaned by another. Not exactly moments I am proud of, but ones that shouldn’t be forgotten either.

It amazes me that people can shop there. I think they know exactly what kind of things Walmart does and gets away with but turn a blind eye, all in the name of saving a buck. It is funny because when Michael and I crunched the numbers we save a ton more by not shopping there.

Soapbox aside though, I wish I would have never turned that guy in, he was a nice hard worker, he didn’t deserve to be fired over something like that.

Last night I dreamed:

Aliens were invading the Earth.

One of our friends, who turned out to be a FBI agent, came to our home and told us that they were allergic to urinal tablets and had an aversion to hearing humans read outloud. Several of our friends were over and we all started making wreaths out of urinal tablets, which were then featured on the six-clock news.

The aliens then started going house to house, taking people to a camp. When they came to our townhouse, we all started reading from various books (I actually remember what book I was reading, “The Pagan Book of Living and Dying”.) I had Damian in my lap, hidden under a blanket. The alien left quickly. After he was gone we all went outside and got a car from one of our neighbors. It was more of a cage with wheels actually, he gave it to us.

We drove out to Elk to a friends house with a bomb shelter and hide there for awhile. Eventually the aliens found us and beamed in, taking us to a camp. There we found out that our organic matter was going to be harvested so that the aliens could make new ships. One of the aliens tried to inject one of our friends who turned out to be Cyborg (superhero… ya, no more Smallville for me.) I started reciting from “The End of America: Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot” (a book I actually ordered the other say) since all books were band.

We people in the camp rose up against the aliens and all started reciting passages from books them new from 1984 through the Lord’s Prayer. The aliens started screaming and killing people but we kept speaking.

Then I woke up. Weird dream huh? I woke up thinking there were aliens in the bedroom and about to grab a book and start reading, reality set in pretty fast though and I had to laugh. Urinal tablet allergy?

No more B-movies or politics for me! (Except I am watching a documentary on The Weather Underground at the moment, so that declaration is a little empty.) Alien invasions never go well.

I had a dream last night that a couple military men came to the door wanting Damian to answer his draft notice. I tried to tell them he was too young (he was only three years old in the dream) but they wanted him anyways. They were holding a gun for him. They had a draft notice for Michael too. I was so angry at the government from taking away the people I love.

I told the soldiers to wait in the kitchen while I got a couple things for Damian. I told them Michael would be home in a few minutes. I took Damian, went upstairs and I called Michael when I was upstairs and told him what was going on. He said “you know what to do.”

I did. I dug a shotgun out of the closet and went downstairs and shot the military men. I dragged their bodies into the garden and put a tarp over them. I went and got Damian from upstairs and we started packing. Michael got home a few minutes later and we loaded the car and started driving to Canada. All the billboards on the way had patriotic and religious slogans and Palin on them. I was so disgusted.

We picked up Michael’s family, who also had to flee since they were the “wrong” kind of Christian (they are LDS) as well as Michelle, Mikcos and Nathan because Nathan had gotten his notice. I woke up when we were getting on the road again.

Very freaky.

I usually sleep in on Saturdays, and even more so when we stay up late feeding our Smallville addication. But this morning was different. About 6am, I woke up because the fan was blowing on me, and it had finally cooled down enough that it was uncomfortable. I tried to ignore it, but finally gave in and got out of bed to turn it off. I laid in bed trying to fall back asleep, but instead it seems I’m up for the day — my mind wouldn’t go back to sleep, it has been racing a million miles a second. It seems I am stressed about work, specifically maintaining country of origin labeling (COOL) codes in the computer. And I guess I should be, we have some 7000 item codes that need to be kept up to date. It was originally supposed to be a cooperative effort, the buyers working together with me to keep them maintained. But it seems somewhere they got it into their heads that I would be taking care of everything, updating the COOL codes from the bill of lading paperwork when the item lands. I took this up with my boss Thursday, and she said she would get back to me. I suspect I’m going to be stuck with it.

When I lay in bed awake on mornings like this, I am able to brainstorm and problem solve very efficiently. So now I have a plan to make my life easier when it comes to maintaining COOL codes – I will have to experiment on Monday to make sure it works. I am hoping it will, or I will have to have a part time assistant to get everything done, at least if they don’t want me getting overtime (they already start nagging on me if I even approach 40 hours).

After coming up with my solutions, I rolled over and cuddled with Jaspy, propping myself up and watching Damian sleep. Sleeping children are a beautiful thing. I think he was having a nightmare, though of what I have no idea, he has never had a traumatic experience. I wonder what he dreams of. His eyes are twitching, obviously in REM sleep. He startles a few times, makes sad faces, and makes a few sad sounds. What could make my baby-cakes so sad? It tears my heart out, so I stroke his face and he calms down. He wakes up a few minutes later, and Jaspy takes him potty.

Today, we are going apple picking, what has become a yearly tradition to celebrate the autumn equinox. The equinox is close, just a few short days away. The equinoxes and solstices have always been power days for me, when I reconnect, and re-balance, and re-evaluate my life. I can feel this one coming on, I feel the stress fading away and I an energized. This weekend is going to be good.

One of last night’s dreams:

I was walking over a hill and came upon a medium sized crowd of people. I wandered over to see what was going on and saw a man being crucified, well, kind of. He was tied and nailed to a wooden stake (no crossbeam.) There was the “This is Jesus the King of the Jews” sign over his head in three languages.

I felt horrified watching this happen and felt it was a really cruel practice. I also remember feeling pity for Jesus and the heartless people doing the deed. I saw him as another victim of another church gone wrong.

(At this point I transitioned into a completely seperate dream about sailing and pouring white flowers into the sea, except the sea was a face smiling at me, or something like that.)

I came across a video the other day of modern day people who crucify themselves in the Philippines, so I am thinking that is where this dream’s seed was planted. A wooden stake instead of a cross though? That was a little strange. Jesus meets burning on the stake?

This wouldn’t be my first dream with Jesus but last time he was driving a mustang convertible (my favorite car) with three wingless angels, and that was a few years ago. So, slightly different from this one…

I had a bunch of dreams last night, all very disjointed and some nightmarish (though a little funny upon waking up.) These are the ones I remember clearly enough to describe:

Michael and I had just bought a house and were standing in the living room, which had wooden floors and lots of windows. I noticed the living room window was a drive thru window. I stuck my head out and a car pulled up with two of my friends (in the dream, I don’t know them in real life.) The woman, who was South African, gave me a $20 bill for something and drove off to catch a plane. She had a bear decal on the back of her car. I took the $20 to Michael and explained we should split it 50/50 so he gave me $10 of his money from his wallet and took the $20. I decided I was going to put my $10 in my gardening fund jar. I went to find the jar.

Then I woke up briefly. It was raining outside. I laid in bed for a few listening to that lovely sound and enjoying the fresh air. I dozed off.

I was walking in the forest eating a carrot when I saw a huge brown/gray bear. It saw me too and started coming towards me. I stopped, rang by bear bell and yelled at it, which didn’t affect the bear walking towards me. Apparently bear bells and yelling don’t work in dreams (I have heard they pretty much don’t work with some bears in the wild either.) The bear started trotting and I ran, at which point I realized I didn’t have shoes on – still had my carrot though! A crow flew over my head and led me to a I found a hollowed out tree stump and hid in it. But the bear found me and started ripping at the tree stump with his claws. I was utterly terrified, I knew the bear wanted my carrot and would kill me for it but I didn’t want to give it to him because, well, it was my carrot!

Then Damian woke me up. 3am! Time for potty and a boob, and then back to sleep.

Back to Michael and my new house, we had just finished moving in when a pipe broke upstairs which leaked through the ceiling onto my altar and ran the paint of a painting I made that hangs on the wall above it. I moved all the stuff and was frustrated because now we had to pay to have that problem fixed.

Then a friend came over (again a dream friend, don’t know her in real life) she had a harp with her for whatever reason. All I remember about her is that she had a mass of lovely curly hair. Her husband and a little girl were with her too. She helped me clean up some water and then played the harp to help me relax as we waited for the repairman. We talked about breastfeeding and parenting and music. Michael was playing with Damian, who was a bit older as well as the little girl. We ate chili and cornbread together too after the repairman came. Oddly enough his business logo was a bear.

Then the alarm clock went off, dang it! I have reason to believe that AZ from Kitsch and Giggles was the lady in the last dream as she plays the harp and I have found out today has curly hair. She and I have spoken a few times about breastfeeding too, (she should totally be an LLL mom.) AZ also had a dream about me last night.

Coincidence? Synchronicity? What about the bear symbol in all the dreams?

Last night I had a dream in which I was a bystander, watching myself, or someone who looked exactly like me. The “I” referred to in this post is the person I am watching.

I was standing in the middle of a very flat desolate landscape, with hard white ground as far as the eye could see, perhaps it was a salt flat. I am standing looking towards the pale blue sky with my arms raised, palms up, the wind is blowing my skirt behind me. I am wearing a blue ground length skirt, almost exactly like this one and a fuchsia peasant blouse, similar to this one. I am also wearing Damian in my Maya wrap, except its fuchsia rather then grey.

(Yep, I said fuchsia, as in electric pink. Totally not my color, I do not even own anything remotely pink. In fact I avoid pink like the plague… but I do have to say, fuchsia didn’t look half bad on me in the dream. Dreams can make anything look good I guess!)

I was calling out some kind of invocation, I don’t remember the words, but as I spoke them everything around me turned every shades of pink imaginable. The sky, the ground, all pink, even the air seemed to take on a hazy fuchsia tint. The pink seemed to emanate from me. Gradually as my invocation came to an end the pink faded. The bright white ground and blue sky returned.

A few moments after my invocation ended, there was a rumbling, one that I felt more then heard, and suddenly it was as if the world around me was fast forwarding. Water flooded the ground, swirling up to my knees and then receding. As it receded, low growing plant life grew in its wake and insects buzzed. Small bushes grew, then shrubs, then small trees, the towering ones. Soon I was in a dense forest, not unlike Colville National Forest (that photo is taken in them.)

A huge tree grew around me and I stood in a hollow alcove within it. Ivy climbed up its trunk, draping in front of me like a curtain. The seasons changed and the ivy turned red and its leaves fell. A little boy, Damian I assume, came running out of the tree and I followed. Michael followed too (where the heck did he come from?) and snow began to fall. Spring came and the little boy brought me a (pink) daisy chain and smiled up at me.

I woke up.

The dream was very chaotic but felt powerful. I don’t know about all the pink but in a general way it represents love doesn’t it? From love life comes forth perhaps? Any thoughts?

I had someone mention induction to me this morning and when I was planning on doing that. I lashed out a little, which I feel bad about (I normally have much better control over my emotions.) Seriously though, I am not even to 40 weeks yet, why should I even be wasting time on thoughts of induction. Baring a genuine medical concern I have no intention on being induced, least of all using pitocin.)

Maybe I am edgy because I had a lot of nightmares last night. I think they are due to something in my life that has been unconsciously stressing me becoming a conscious stress (family stuff.) Michael had to wake me several times because my nightmares were manifesting physically. They were mostly of the falling variety or ones where family was angry at me for trivial things (like buttering the wrong side of a grilled cheese sandwich first.) I have always been an active dreamer but I am more of a lucid dreamer so I am not use to the lack of control that comes with nightmares.

I drew my tarot this morning to help ground me. I don’t believe tarot (or any form of divination) foretells the future in the traditional way. I think that the cards drawn in a reading are an aid to access the subconscious mind and release certain patterns within it for the scrutiny of the conscious mind. Each tarot card has a different meaning and these meanings help raise questions that can help us work through different situations life throws our way.

I drew three cards (I use the Celtic Dragon Tarot for anyone who is curious.)

I feel that this card represents me at the moment. I am searching for answers by journeying within myself, I will not find the answers to these questions in anyone but myself. There are simple answers all around me, but in this case I do not feel they are best as they are quick fixes.

I am someone who needs to be in control of myself and the situations that confront me, when I am not fear and indecision can undermine my efforts. The Hanged Man reminds me that sometimes we need to relinquish the desire for control and that it is only then where stagnating matters will begin to more forward again. For me, it is a difficult battle, a battle of wills against my greatest opponent, myself.

In the tarot, twos are associated with the High Priestess (a card found in the Major Arcana of the tarot) and because of this are linked to duality and instinctual knowledge. The two of swords, more specifically is used to represent tension and indecision, usually in the form of a stalemate that must be resolved by pulling down barriers piece by piece.

In my current situation this card reminds me of two important family factors in my life and my need to find some kind of balance between them, even if the answers are not as concrete as I normally would like.

Intuition is difficult for me. I like control and facts and intuition often seems to fly in the face of that. That said I am an intuitive person but plagued by the usual self-doubt that one normally confronts when dealing with it. The Moon lights a more subtle path, one that is traveled alone but that blinds my normal sense forcing me to rely on my inner voice and instinct rather then outside influences.

This has always been one of the more difficult cards for me to interpret as it requires me to dive deeper into my subconscious and the heart of a problem then I am normally comfortable doing. Sometimes it is easier (though only in the short term) to feel like the victim then to take on the role of the rescuer. Taking the initiative, no matter how hard, yields the longterm results that I desire though.

I don’t expect any of this to make much sense to anyone but myself, but I’m okay with that. As the cards suggest and I intuitively know, this is a journey that can only lead within myself.

With my luck today I am afraid to even boil water, the kettle will probably explode. If I go outside I bet a monkey will attack me!

Seriously, what is up with today? Nothing has gone right. I slept like crap last night and when I did doze off I had delirious nightmares and this sciatic thing is hanging on like a tick and I have the worse case of heartburn ever and my customers were horrible and some random guy tried to touch my stomach (my oversized work coat no longer seems to hide the baby belly or the guy had creepy pregnant homing instincts.)

But the cherry on all this is when I went to get an extra key cut for the mail box today I realized that I had lost my bank card.

Oh joy, I loved facing phone tree hell to get that canceled.

Meh.

We rent a two bedroom townhouse here in Spokane, it is our little home, but could it ever be a homestead? Maybe not, but I am rather determined to get it as close to that as possible.

From Wikipedia: “Currently the term homesteading applies to anyone who is a part of the back-to-the-land movement and who chooses to live a sustainable, self-sufficient lifestyle.

I know I could only dream of growing enough food to feed my family on my little 17×8 shaded patio (the soil part of it is only 6×7 feet and it is mainly hard clay.) But I also know there there are things I can do that will move me as close to the homesteading dream as possible. I know we will not live here forever. Currently my goal is to own 5 acres 10 years from now, but between now and then, I want to live my life in a way that keeps me as close to the Earth as possible. And cheaply! I truly believe that we can live a green live without using tons of green!

I have a lot of doubt of course, I have a lot of personal negativity that has to be dealt with while I move along this path. I admit I am a total city girl. I was raised in very big cities, Spokane is the smallest place I have ever lived with half a million people. My parents did have houses and we always had gardens but I really do not know the first thing about farming. How do you irrigate a garden large enough to feed a family? How do you retrofit a house with solar panels? How do you set up a chicken coop? Do chickens attack you when you gather their eggs? Heck, I’ve never even changed a diaper you know? Most city girls know even that, and here I am wanting to use cloth diapers on my baby.

Still I am trying very hard to stay positive so that the daunting feelings of “not knowing” fail to discourage me. Most of my dreams are healthily sprinkled with idealism and well as being long term. They will require their large share of dedication and back breaking work. I do know with all certainly that I can learn and that I am driven to learn. I know I am intelligent and creative and I can achieve this if I really want it.

But back to the townhouse homestead, I figure if I start small I can grow from there and see how far it takes me. We have done all the usual “green” stuff already with changing to compact fluorescent light bulbs, recycling, buying used whenever, buying local whenever I can. I try to plan meals around what is in season (which is also cheaper.) I try to make as much stuff from scratch as I can. This morning I am going to be making chicken stock. I know some people don’t go this far even, but I find a huge personal reward is knowing that I have made something that is as close to the Earth as possible with my current means.

Still, I feel I could do more, my goals are small for this year, they have to stay in our budget (we have no debt and I want to keep it that way) and they must work around all the learning which comes with having your first baby. These are the things I can to do this year, (I plan on documenting all them, maybe they will eventually help someone with dreams similar to mine):

1. Vermicomposting: In the next month, I will be setting up an indoor worm bin, I have everything I need for it except a pound of red wigglers (worms) which I am waiting to here back about from a couple sources. Vermicomposting is basically using worms to quicken the composting process. It is an efficient way to get ride of my organic kitchen waste with no smell and I can use the worm castings (poo) to enrich the soil for my plants.

2. Herb Garden: I want to grow all the herbs I currently buy prepackaged in the store. I plan on growing them in containers (so that I can bring them in come winter time.) I am going to start with the ones I purchase most frequently; basil, cilantro, rosemary, mint, oregano, thyme. I eventually want to pick up more but I think these are the best ones for me to start with. I will probably buy starter plants as I do not have the room the start things from seed.

3. Vegetable Garden: This year I will probably only grow tomatoes and perhaps strawberries, again from starter plants and in containers. Personal rant on GM foods aside, I would like heirloom if possible. I am choosing to do these in containers as my patio soil it is very poor and needs lots of work to make it better. (I may plant Purple Prairie Clover in the soil as it grows well in poor soil and fixes nitrogen in the soil.) If these do well on my patio then next year I may expand to more types of vegetables.

My biggest current delema with tomatoes in determinate and indeterminate, basically ones that grow to a fixed size a stop or ones that vine and keep growing. Determinate seems best for container gardening, however all their fruit ripens at once, where as indeterminate ones have bare fruit all season long.

4. Baby: Our biggest change this year will be the baby, as any new parents wants, I hope to do everything right but mistakes as also part of the learning process. I want to breastfeed, use cloth diapers, make my own baby food (when that stage comes.) I want the baby to grow up knowing how important taking care of the Earth is and be surrounded by it’s beauty.

Maybe that is the main reason I am making this whole green push, I have been gradually doing it over time, but I feel I need to set a good example for Michael and my child. I know that starts with me being dedicated to the things I love. Whatever direction these goals end up going, I am sure they will all lead to a very interesting year though!

This is my interpretation of my two recent snake dreams:
(Raveness I replied to your comment in that entry.)

The first dream:
I feel this dream is mainly my subconscious telling me that I am not seeing an illusion that is in front of me and I need to get some glasses on. I think this because the snakes in the dream were similar but one was poisonous and one was not. (I think the snakes were a coral snake and a milk snake.)

The second dream:
I am not too sure about this one actually. The World Tree is an important symbol to me, without getting too deeply into it, I feel my path leads both to and from it (in a metaphorical sense of course.) The current “path” that I am on is reaching childbirth and embracing this life phase. The snake may be my primary guide for these coming months.

The boomslang is poisonous and may represent two things. It may be my protective nature towards my baby, but that I must be careful not to lash out unless I am threatened. It may also be related to the boomslang’s specific type of venom, which is hemotoxic, (this means it attacks your red blood cells.) It could be a reminder that everything I put into my body (represent by the snake passing through my chakras) reaches my baby.

I have a feeling this dream will become clearer over time.

(I drew this last February, I was originally going to henna it on the head of my dream but I found out my drum is treated, so it won’t take the henna. I need an untreated drum…)

I do not know when I saw my first snake but since I can remember I visualized snakes when I was scared. Because of this I see them as a protective power animal. When I was upset the image of myself covered in snakes would come to mind, they would all be hissing at whatever bothered me. Oddly it was not until recently that I had too much of an interest in the different species of snakes, maybe because I was always covered in a variety of snakes until the past year or so.

I had two snake dreams last night:

I was trying to find my glasses [this happens occasionally in my dreams] and instead I found two snakes. One was red and black banded (kind of like this one – thanks for the picture Kyrss!) and the other was black and red with a yellow band between the stripes (Kyrss said it might be a coral snake?) I was surrounded by mirrors in this dream.

I didn’t get much of a closer look as I couldn’t find my glasses and the dream began to fade.

The next dream actually happened while I napped this morning:

I was standing under the World Tree and there was a large snake hanging from one of its branches. I had my glasses in this dream I guess and I saw the snake quite well as I was only standing a couple feet from it.

[It was greenish/brown, more green then brown, with egg shaped yellow eyes and round pupils. It's scales were quite well defined because each one seemed to have black line around the edge. It was moderately skinny snake that was maybe 4 feet long. I am thinking it might be a boomslang?]

The tree was beautiful, it had branches that were in all seasons and I could hear the calls of various animals in its branches. Both the sun and the moon were high above, stars were out in one portion of the sky. I recognized one of my guides, a white raven on a branch near by as well as a green mamba. They did not seem to notice me in the dream though, so I returned focus to the first snake. He did not speak to me in the dream but I felt at peace with him near. I also got a strong mental image of a snake being my backbone and the pathway between my chakras.

The snake is one of my favorite aspects of symbolism. I wrote about it in my diary awhile ago:

In ever culture you will find legends of the serpent. It is a creature who cannot leave the ground, therefor tied to base desires and material matters. But it is also a creature about to shed its own skin and because of this, it is a powerful symbol of resurrection, rebirth and self-awakening. These two factors give the snake its dual nature, linking it both to the Heavens and the Earth.

Since becoming pregnant I have found myself more drawn to the snake as my totem. In my dreams she often appears as the blue eyes bringer of wisdom, as well as a birther of creation and manifestation. In a lot of ways her dyadic nature is reflected in another of my totems, the white raven. I wonder if there are any ties between the vulture and the snake? Weren’t they both on the Pharaoh’s crown?

In the past year I have noticed three reoccurring snakes in my meditations and dreams. The first is the green mamba, the second is a black and white sea krait. Both these always have blue eyes, though in the physical world there eyes are different. The third snake, and most recent is this black/yellow/red snake or red/black, which has only appeared fleetingly since I have become pregnant.

Any thoughts on possible meaning of either of these dreams? I have my own thoughts but I would like to hear yours first.

(Click drawing for a larger image.)

Do you remember that dream I had awhile back with the condor and vulture woman? Rah Bop drew a picture of that aspect of it and sent it to me for Christmas! I got it in the mail a few days ago and totally adore it!

I will do a Christmas recap post later but right now I really need a nap…

This poem is based on a dream I had a few nights ago.

(Image from Space.com.)

Mother, I feel your light.
I am a moth, drawn towards it’s glow.
Burned to ash, I am swept away,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I embrace you.
I lay resting in your crypt, your womb.
This body I give back for you to reuse,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I drink from you.
In the chalice of eternity, I drown.
Deep within your waters a rhythm begins,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I breathe you in.
The ecstasy of life fills my lungs.
Holy wings beat strong, bearing me forth,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I am your light.
By Fire, Earth, Water and Wind, I live.
I am a sacred drop in the forces of All,
      my spirit has returned.

(There was a Delicate Cycnia Moth present in my dream.)

I seem to be breaking my habit as of late of no talking about my dreams. I have always had quite vivid dreams and I have a rather keen memory of them, I even remember one I had when I was as young as five. A lot of people say they are simply pregnancy dreams, and I know a lot of them are about my pregnancy but they are just as vivid as before. Maybe it is the pregnancy that is making me want to share them though! Still, I am coming to like outside perspectives on my dreams. I do not know why I am so nervous about sharing my dreams, maybe because I do not know anyone who dreams as vividly as I do, or maybe it is because they all just feel so personal.

So anyhow, I had this dream last night:

I am walking among ancient overgrown ruins, the sun dimly lights them. I can feel the sacredness of the place resonating deep in my bones and I walk in almost total silence. I find myself standing before a wall of rubble, in the middle of it is a stone doorway, the door has long rotted away. The wall and doorway is covered in soft moss with thousands of vivid tiny red flowers. I heard a hissing sound and look through the doorway, there is a huge vulture standing there. It spreads its wings and hissed again, I feel drawn forward, as if the vulture was beaconing me to enter.

I want to explain this bird as well as I can, if anyone recognizes it as a particular species I would love to know. Maybe it has some kind of indigenous significance. Of course maybe the bird is a creation of my dream mind too.

I am pretty sure it was a vulture as it had a bald pink/yellow head and neck. There was a ruffle of feathers at the base of its neck, initially all the feathers I could see were silky black. The black feathers made me notice its feet in particular as they were really light gray and quite contrasting to it’s feathers. It’s feet were not webbed and had long talons. When the bird spread its wings to beacon me forward there was a large white stripe on the underside of each of them, its wingspan was enormous, much wider then the door, I bet they were 9 or 10 feet from wingtip to wingtip (the dream may have over exaggerated this.) The bird had a bald skin “pouch” on its chest too. The only sounds it made in the dream was a kind of hissing sound, which was unnerving at first but became kind of comforting.

I reach the threshold of the door and the vulture turns and walk/hopped forward. Beyond it I see a pool of water. The water is an opaque green and seems to swirl around as if it has a mind of its now. I know that it is a bottomless sacred well. The vulture stops by the side of the water. I approach.

When I reach the edge of the pool I sit cross legged beside of it and instinctively run my fingers lightly over its surface. A gray mist rises from the water and takes the form of two women. They step from the mist to the ground beside me, the vulture bows with his wings half open and I rise to my feet. I feel a little surprised/frightened. One of the woman is old, not hunched and crippled, but ancient tall and proud. She is a wise crone. The other woman is a chimera, she has the body of a woman and head of a vulture with huge black eyes. She had a silky white feather ruffle at the base of her next and some down her arms. She was wearing a golden necklace with this symbol on it (sorry for it’s roughness, I made it quickly in Gimp.) The vulture stands beside the vulture woman and she rests her hand on it’s head.

The vulture woman reaches out and touches me between the eyes and the crone says something. I find myself in the desert, I am flying as a crow. I look down and see a dead woman, vultures are eating her body. The vulture from the ruins flies past me and lands near the body (he is much larger then the other carrion eaters) the other vultures scatter and maintain a respectful distance while he eats. The vulture eats the body’s heart and womb and takes flight, I follow him as he returns to the ruins. It is now night.

The vulture throws up a dimly glowing orb at the feet of the vulture woman and returns to her side. The vulture woman picks up the orb reverently and gives it to the crone. The crone looks at me and begins to speak something along the lines of:

“I am the bearer of the flames, I give light to their darkness. I guide them as they go to the source and return. I am the keeper of this Mystery, this process that the Infinite cannot touch.”

As she speaks the orb rises into the sky and becomes one with the light of the moon and starlight, the moon is wanning. As she continues to speak the moon passes from wanning, to new, to waxing. As the moon waxes a new brightly shining orb returns from the sky, it is as bright as a star. As the moon reaches full the orb comes to rest in the crone’s hands.

“We are all of the source, we are one and many, we are connected and the connection. I am one aspect of Creation, that of wilderness and woman. I am the tomb and womb, I am the midwife of life and death, I am healer and nurturer, as are you. The threshold is a sacred point of life.”

As this point she hands me the orb and I feel it enter my body. I know that my baby had just received it’s soul. I feel the vulture’s head under my hand and I look down, its is comforting.

And that was the dream. Woke up with a massive migraine, gotta love that.

In other news I think when I find the money I am going to buy a blank scrapbook so I can document my pregnancy. Maybe I will turn it into our newborn scrapbook too. I keep reading I should get an acid free one. I am hoping they say that on the packaging in Joanns…

~~~

EDIT:

(Photo from Wikipedia.)
I am nearly certain the bird in the dream is a California Condor (Thank you so much for the id Atara!)

Neat little youtube video about them. I like the shot of the three sunning their wings.

The California Condor is an 11,000 year old species of vulture that currently only lives in the western coastal mountains of the United States. The California Condor are the only surviving member of it’s genus (Gymnogyps) and is critically endangered. This vulture has the largest wingspan of any bird found in North America (10 feet!) and is one of the heaviest. They are one of the world’s longest-living birds, with lifespans of up to 50 years. I found this picture of the size comparison between a condor and a 6-foot man:

Holy crap that’s big!

Condors were poaching and poisoned nearly to extinction, until the United States government capture of all the remaining wild condors in 1987 – only 22 birds! In 1991 they were reintroduced into the wild. As of November 2007 there are 302 individuals living, 155 of them in the wild. You know I didn’t use to be so fond of vultures but mu opinion is changing a bit, these guys are quite majestic. I wish I could fly at 15,000 feet for 150 miles for a day…

Condors were considered sacred to some Native American tribes and capable of providing communication with the supernatural world. The Chumash tribe believes that if the condors become completely extinct, so will the tribe. Some people also believe that the Thunderbird is actually the condor.

~~~

EDIT #2:

Ok, more commenter thanks going out – thank you Jett! He suggesting the Egyptian link of the circular symbol in the dream.

I looked into it and found this site. Apparently the symbol is called a Shen Ring, it was “a stylized loop of rope with each end visible” and commonly seen as a symbol of eternity.

Not only that but it was carried by the Egyptian goddess Nekhbet, a vulture goddess who was the patron of Upper Egypt as well as the guardian of mothers and children.

I had this odd dream last night that I was a women in ancient China and in love with a poor ninja (or an outcast of some type, I’ll just call him a ninja to simplify things.) However in the dream I was promised to a powerful Samurai, who seemed to obsess over me quite a lot.

The dream was strange because I wasn’t just the woman in the dream, I jumped from character mind to character mind, so I got to see how everyone though, thought I could only control the woman’s actions.

I don’t know what might have provoked the dream, I haven’t watched anything oriental in several months, I avoid anime and I do not know much about oriental culture. (Ie: I doubt this dream is historically accurate in any way of course.) The dream went something like this:

I (as the woman) was sneaking to a rooftop to be with my ninja. I had been up there many times with him before and he was kind and respectful. I knew him somehow from the markets. He was teaching me some fighting styles that were forbidden for women to learn. Mostly with a 6 foot wooden staff and a wooden sword. In this dream we used real swords. I remember the sword in particular because it was not very long and straight. It was only sharp on one side and came to a slanted point.

At this point my consciousness jumped to the ninja’s mind. He was thinking about how gracefully I moved and how beautiful I was. He was wondering how long our forbidden relationship would last before I was married off to this samurai (whom he had quite dark thoughts about.)

I jumped back to the woman’s mind and my ninja and I sat down near the edge of the roof. My ninja told me he loved me and we kissed for the first time. Then rather suddenly there was a whole bunch of armed people on the roof and my ninja was trying to get me to run with him. I was conflicted and froze.

Time moved forward a bit and it was my wedding day, my family had found out I was sneaking out to see another man and I was basically a prisoner. I saw my father briefly, I think he was a samurai too. I had not seen or heard from my ninja in a many days. The samurai I was to marry came to see me and told me I would come to love him as he loved me and that I was to be a respectful and obedient wife. I did not say anything, but that may have been because I was in the samurai’s mind at that point and saw the lust with which he looked at me with and the jealousy he directed at my ninja. Distantly the female me in the dream felt ashamed for loving the ninja because it would bring shame to my family.

The samurai and the servants left and I was alone. I was wearing this rather spectacular red silk dress thing, it had some kind of white birds embroidered on it, (herons maybe?) Time passed as I drifted in and out of many thoughts. I also go annoyed at my hair at one point and pulled it out of its bun (wow my hair was long, hehe.)

I heard a chuckle and spun around. My ninja was standing in the corner of the room smiling at me. He mocked me a little, I could tell he was hurt because I had not gone with him on the roof. At that moment my feelings of love for him overshadowed any feelings of shame for my family and I crossed the room quickly and we embraced.

– At this point I woke up for awhile and thought about the dreams. Then I dozed off again and the dream continued.

My ninja and I were crossing roofs away from my family’s home. I was still in the red kimono but I had a white mask on now (maybe it was just lots of make up… it felt like a mask though.) We arrived at the ninja’s home. He lived with other ninjas, both male and female. They welcomed me with open arms; except one older one who thought my ninja was being rash. Still he accepted it and they all sat down and started making plans to leave the city.

There was banging at the door and my name and that of the samurai’s was shouted thought the door. All the ninjas seemed to melt into the walls except mine. He opened the door and my husband-to-be was standing at the door, quite angry. He tried to run my ninja through with a sword (his sword was slightly curved and long then the one I had practiced with.) I cried out “No!” and told him if he didn’t hurt my ninja I would go with him. And I did went with him.

The samurai took me somewhere and raped me. For that portion of a dream it was all just kind of an out of body experience. He then threw me in a room or cave or dungeon for being disrespectful to him and my family and locked me up.

My mind wandered again and it jumped to my ninja’s mind, he was with two other ninjas (a woman and the old male ninja.) They were all outside of where I was being kept. The ninjas heard some guards talking about my rape. My ninja killed them both in rage but deep in his mind he did not think disgust towards me, just hate towards the samurai for hurting me. Against the old ninja’s advice he went to find the samurai and they begin to duel on a roof (what is it with my subconscious and rooftops?)

– Again I woke up and reflected on the dream. I fell asleep again and it continued.

I was running out of the dungeon with the female ninja and we got separated. I found my ninja fighting the samurai, my ninja was not using a sword though, he had a pole with a knife on the end, something like that. I picked pulled up the bamboo staff my ninja had dropped and ran the samurai through the heart (ouch!)

As the samurai died I was in his mind, my ninja’s mind and my own mind. It is a bit too complex to explain all the emotions that were going on but the female me slipped into shock and maybe passed out? Because everything went black.

When I opened my eyes again my ninja was laying me beside a glassy lake in a forest. We were in a forested mountain valley near a monastery. I finally got to change out of that red kimono which I had come to hate. Some monks gave me some brown peasant clothes. I felt really happy and without stress for the first time in the dream. My ninja and I went swimming.

– Then the alarm clock went off. I felt Michael beside me and realized he was my ninja (ya for mushy waking thoughts.) Not to sure who the samurai personifies though.

So I figured out what the title of that book from my dream yesterday is. Actually it is pretty amusing (to me at least.)

The book is called The Manitous: The Spiritual World of the Ojibway by Basil Johnson. Funny because the dream started by me not being able to find basil (the plant) in the grocery store. Dreams have odd ways of dropping subconscious hints! I remember the book have a different cover, which I found on the publisher’s site, so I know it is the same one.

So next time I have the money I will buy this and try to figure out if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. If not, at least it looks like a really interesting book!

I had more dreams last night – it is common for me to have the many dreams for anyone who may be wondering, I have just recently decided to start share them. Not sharing the ones from last night though, they were mostly just anxiety dreams about the upcoming move. The usual, I am unloading moving boxes only to discover I packed all my clothes and am naked.

*** Note to Self #5: Leave out old jeans and t-shirt for self on moving day. Birthday suits are considered indecent exposure. ***

Now to go make some blueberry pie…

I had this dream last night that I was lost in the grocery store trying to find some basil, because they were out of it (I need to by basil yesterday so that is not so surprising.)

The dream somehow transitioned to a memory of mine.

When I was a child (well a “child” I suppose I was 14 or 15 at the time.) I attended an Ojibway pow wow on the reservation my grandma lives on. I got a book from the author or a book called the Manitou. On the inside of the book he wrote something in Ojibway for me but I cannot remember what it said. I was very happy to receive this book and in the dream it was important for some reason or another.

I cannot remember the name of the author, I am not even sure on the name of the book, but I do wish I could find it again and buy it when I have the money. I do not often dream of books. Maybe it is out of print.

I had a very strange dream last night. Again, I swear I am not on anything!

I was living the story line of Macbeth but all the characters were chickens. And some of the lines were different, like the witch chickens said:

Double boiled eggs and trouble;
Fire burn, and crockpot bubble.

Instead of:

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

And when Lady Macbeth/Chicken Queen:

Come, you farmers
That tend on mortal thoughts, uncage me here,
And fill me not from the crown to the toe top-full
With your stuffing!

Instead of:

Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty!

I haven’t read Macbeth in a couple years, so no clue where this dream came from. Maybe I have lost my mind, that wouldn’t be too surprising… At least it was a funny dream.

Last night I had a dream:

I was trying to find a french novel to read, so that I could keep up my french.

This search somehow brought to me the Masonic Temple down the road from our apartment. It was a Sunday and they were having church. I met someone who, in the dream, was a very dear friend of mine. I was convinced to attend service and help carry a little statue of Mary out to the altar. A little statue of Jesus and Joseph were also brought out, they were all palm sized and made of white marble. We set them on a life sized statue of a little girl, who was also made of white marble, this larger statue was in front of a stained glass window. Jesus went on her knee and Joseph and Mary went in each of the statue’s upturned palms.

We all took our seats and I don’t remember much from service other then everyone was very happy and they were debating with the minister. It was also in French. I did not see any men. All the women had pastel hued hats and summer dresses, reminding me of a southern church. I, on the other hand, had jeans and a black shirt on. After church I asked if anyone had a problem with me coming to church and being Pagan, no one did, which made me happy.

Then I went outside and Michael was waiting for me, he had just got off work. We talked about church and then he asked me if I had any spending money left, which I did, so were decided to go to a movie. We started talking about college…

Then the alarm clock went off and I woke up.

Now, I am sure a Masonic service is not anything like this. I have never studied the beliefs and now nothing about it beyond what I learned when I wrote an article about the pentacle. I do not understand this dream.

~~~

In other morning news, yesterday both Michael and I developed hives with half and hour of getting up. He got something more like a rash on one of his arms and I got bumpy hives around my wrists which spread to the rest of my body in about 10 minutes. They were gone in 30 minutes. The same thing happened to me today, but not to Michael. Yesterday I thought it was the bread we ate after getting up, but I haven’t eaten anything today yet (and Michael didn’t get the reaction.)

Puzzling (and itchy.)

~~~

EDIT: Ok I normally don’t click on the ads that pop up in my journal, but when I posted this the ad said Accidental Christ – The Story of Jesus (As Told By His Uncle.) Damn, I want that book!