I was 18 when I moved in with Michael, almost 19 when we had a civil union. If you would have told me then that by the time I was 24 I would have two breastfed co-sleeping cloth-diapered children I would not have believed you. Not that I didn’t want children, I just didn’t want them to come out of my body. I figured someday far down the road that we might adopt. Oh how time changes us…

When I first fell in love with Michael, he was perfect. Handsome and tall with a witty and deep personality. Had you pointed out a flaw to me at that time I would not have believed you. The kind of dad he was going to be was not a pressing issue in my mind when we were wed, nor were his parenting views were. I don’t know if any 18 year old wonder such things about their significant other.

Even when we decided to have our own children, we came up with their names long before we discussed parenting practices. He was actually the one who actually brought up breastfeeding, natural birth, co-sleeping EC and cloth diapering. Heck, I had never even held a baby until Damian was born, much less changed a diaper.

Even the best laid plans have kinks, especially when another life is involved. I was a wave of emotion throughout my pregnancy, when I was 8 months along my employer fired me and I became a stay-at-home mom before Damian even arrived! In that month at home I spent more time wondering what kind of father Michael would be then what kind of mother I would be. When I went into labor I loved Michael ever minute of it, he didn’t even flinch when I threw up (and he does not do well with vomit) and breathed with me during contractions. I loved him even more when Damian finally arrived and I watched him hold so tenderly.

That said, Damian was still a baby at that time, not really doing much other then nursing, pooping and sleeping. I honestly don’t think I really began to understand how great a father Michael is until Damian was crawling. Of course he is great at all that manly dad stuff like tossing Damian in the air, chasing him around the house while making every animal noise in existence, helping him down the slide in the park and reading the same books over and over too. But Michael is also great at all those things you never think about until you are taking care of another life. Diaper changes, late fussy nights, bath times, finding time to buy food… Things that I all to often hear that other dad’s are absent in. Not Michael though, he helps with all those little things, he is better at keeping track of the shopping then I am! And now that Ivy is here, he is still just as involved with her powerful little life force (and at times she is truly a force of nature) as he was with Damian.

I’m not saying he’s perfect, just like I’m not perfect. We have had won, lost and stalemated on our share of arguments. We have even had a couple nights were we have not shared our bed out of frustration with each other. And I don’t think any of that is a bad thing either. Sometimes walls need to be broken down to make room for a more stable foundation that can reach to greater heights. I will never love Michael as I loved him when we first fell in love, and I don’t want to, just as I will not ever love him like I loved him when Damian was born or when Ivy arrived. Our life has changed so much since we first met, we have changed so much.

It is about this moment, right now. I still love him as the person who can make me feel beautiful with just a look and as the handsome devil he is with that witty sense of humor of course. But I also love him in a way that only a mother can love the father of her children. The father who sits up late on the couch as his son fall asleep in his lap. The father who will wear his baby in a sling because they don’t want to be set down and who gets up in the middle of the night to sooth an upset child. The one who goes to work every day so that I can stay home with our children and give them the care we feel they deserve. I can see the love our children have for him and that makes me love him even more.

I know it would be a mistake to believe I will never love him as much as I do now, I thought that when I was 18, but I do love him more then ever in this moment. And that is a beautiful realization.

… staying up into the wee hours of the night humming Three Little Birds to your three week old with an upset tummy.

-

Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (”This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)

Don’t worry about a thing…

-

I don’t know about you but I think it is a pretty good lullaby for this longest night of the year. As tired as I am, this still feels like a precious time for Ivy and I. Our first Solstice eve together.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone

“I hope she falls, breaks her neck, becomes bedridden, gains hundreds of pounds, dies alone and burns in Hell.” — from my last entry

Wow, I can get pretty specific when I am upset can’t I? But you know what, that woman is not worth that much of my energy mental energy when I have so many wonderful things to focus on.

Today is beautiful and I am beautiful.

Happy Birthday Damian!

We love you so much and are so proud of you! You will always be our little superman.

(Left to Right: Michael, Shannon, Ileen holding Damian, Andrea, Peter and Caswallon.)

Community is an important aspect of my spiritual self, and to that extent friendship is too. I can’t imagine life without good friends spending good times together (or supporting each other through any bad times.) I am an extrovert, I am a people person, I need people to share with to be balanced and happy.

I feel blessed with a wonderful talented amazing circle of friends, who I am able to see often and who accept my family wholeheartedly. I am blessed that we can get crazy silly and serious when need be with each other. I am blessed with honest friends who are not afraid of sharing their opinions, and who know themselves, and who are still open-minded enough to be accepting of new ideas. I am blessed with friends so close that they feel like family and that Damian has such fantastic “aunts and uncles” to grow up knowing.

Michael and I quite possibly have some of the greatest friends in the world. They are made of pure awesome (with several cups of sexy piratiness added in.) We might not always agree but we can always get along. Love you guys!

(Photo of me from October 2002 in Sitges, the town I lived in in Spain.)

So many people inspire me to enjoy my life to the fullest, my husband, my son, my mom, my dad, my friends and family (especially my Aunt Ruth, if I have half her energy in my middle years, I will be thrilled.) It always saddens me a little when I meet a person or run across a blog completely filled with negatives from their every day. I realize we all have bad days which we need to vent but it begs me to wonder, do some people ever have good moments in their lives?

In 2002 my geography/social studies class took a field trip to El Raval, a district of Barcelona. It is one of the most densely populated urban areas in the world as well as the poorest in Barcelona, the slums in other words. In a way it is the best kept secret of the city, just a few streets over is the touristy and thriving medieval quarter, people are unknowingly deterred from the slums since there is a stone wall around it. The political or moral issues this arises aside, the thing I remember most about El Ravel was how happy everyone seemed to be. Children in rags running around laughing more then I ever saw my own friends smile, men played simple board games enjoying themselves, women chatting happily as they shared food outside buildings with no power or water (the charity of the poor is amazing.) In retrospect that trip really put my life in perspective as far as what you needed to find happiness. We only really need each other.

In my opinion, a lot of the people I know (primarily but not exclusively Americans) are addicted to feeling down and drama. Nothing can be about other people and it all has to be about how it affects them. It takes something huge with lots of media coverage for people to drag themselves into action. I think it is sad, but not hopeless, never hopeless. When I meet people like this, I try the hardest to make them smile, they seem to need it the most. Ironically it is these very people I tend to annoy with my optimism, but something makes me refuse to give up, I generally eventually succeed. Do you think some people are meant to have a life of service? I relish that thought.

Today I am going to meet up with some friends and we are going to make Brighid’s Wheels for Oimelc. I am looking forward to every aspect of today, from gallivanting around the marshes for reeds, to washing and weaving them. Most of all though, I am looking forward to being surrounded by people I love and who also try to live their lives to the fullest. Few things recharge my optimist and spiritual batteries as much as time with friends (yes even us happy people run low on energy sometimes.) In this light, I can see why so many people in El Ravel were happy, they had each other.

Today I am grateful for my healthy smiling son (who is currently giggling and waving a diaper over his head,) my understanding and loving husband who is napping (after getting up at the crack of dawn to do diaper duty,) my friends who I will be enjoying the weekend with, my other friends who cannot come but who will be in my thoughts, my husband’s good job in this slow economic time, a food filled fridge and pantry, the returning sun and the whisperings of Spring throughout the land, wholesome people that inspire me by letting me know I am not the only one who thinks this way… and love, because I truly do believe it makes the world go around.

“You would know the secret of death
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
For death and life are one, even as a river and the sea are one.
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides,
That it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?”
– Kahlil Gibran

Lately I have been working on a podcast about death from a Pagan (or rather from this Pagan’s) perspective. I have experienced several kinds of death in my life, but most recently two people I love have loved ones close to death. One person’s mother is days, maybe even hours away from cancer taking her and the other will probably miscarry within a few weeks due to a genetic problem with her baby. Both these deaths are so different, and evoke totally different emotional conflicts in me.

My heart goes out to the mother of my friend and his family. I have seen cancer destroy an elderly friend first hand and witnesses her family’s bravery as they midwifed her final moments. I led the crossing over ritual with them as we called on the spirits to guide her soul into the Sommerlands and I grieved her death. I also celebrate her life though. She had a chance to live, to love, to laugh and smile. I think everyone’s life is worth remember, their accomplishments worth appreciating, and their faith worth respecting. From what I hear of my friend’s mother, her life sounds like it was amazing and it is a comfort to know she will die surrounded by those who love her so deeply.

With miscarriage… I don’t know where to begin the grief process. My heart flies out to the parents of the unborn child but my mind will not cannot go there emotionally. Not that I am detached from the loss, but maybe it is because I do not know the unborn child. I think in the case of miscarriage I grieve more for the mother’s grief if that makes sense. As a pregnant woman, I knew Damian in the womb in a way only I could. I knew I wanted him, I knew I would adore everything about him, I know how he felt, I just knew him. The pain of the thought of losing him is it just too great for my mind to dwell on. Maybe that is why I cannot stay on the thought of the baby dying.

I have my own beliefs regarding the afterlife of course, but I think that they are relatively moot when it comes to comforting someone who has lost a loved one. The words always seem lacking when the moment comes to offer them. “I’m sorry.” seems empty, “Is there anything I can do?” seems nosy, “I feel your loss.” seems dismissive. Proclamations of faith (particularly a faith that conflicts with those who have lost) seem so misplaced. I have a book on Pagan death and a few others with stories of crossing over that I can refer to, I can feel the comfort they offer in my soul but can never seem to put it into words (maybe this is why the podcast I am working on is so tough.)

When I am with someone who is grieving all I want to do is hold them like I hold my own child, with complete love, devoid of judgment and inspired by a hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Is that wrong? Should I have more to say? Or is that enough?

Breath.
Breath love into the palms of your hands
and place your flaming palms over your heart.
Let this warmth melt your fears like wax before a fire
and watch the delicious softening reveal the wildflower of your heart.
We must live with Hearts Wide Open.
Hearts Wildly Open.

    – Kali Heydel

If you’ve followed the news lately, you know that California’s Proposition 8, which modifies the state constitution to restrict the definition of marriage to be between a man and a woman, essentially denying the rights of any gay couple to enjoy the benefits of marriage.

What exactly does this mean – here is an exhaustive list of the rights and responsibilities of marriage:

Rights when your spouse passes

• Pensions
• Survivor benefits & payouts
• Continuation of health insurance
• Copyrights
• Water rights
• Wages & workers compensation
• Consent/objection for body donation
• Notice of probate hearings
• Permission to make funeral arrangements
• Funeral & bereavement leave
• Inheritance of property

Rights while married

• Assistance for spouses separated due to military service
• Per diem payments
• Immigration sponsor
• Disability payments and benefits
• Social Security
• Medicaid
• Income Tax deductions, credits, etc
• Preferential hiring for spouses of veterans in government jobs
• Tax-free transfer of property between spouses
• Change of surname when married
• Right to enter into a prenuptial agreement
• Spousal privilege in court proceedings (same concept as doctor-client privilege and attorney-client privilege)

Shared rights of both partners

• Bankruptcy
• Parenting rights
• Visitation rights (hospital, prison)
• Next-of-kin status (emergency medical decisions, wrongful death filings)
• Custody of children, shared property, child support, and alimony after divorce
• Domestic violence intervention
• Access to “family only” services such as reduced rates to certain clubs and organizations
• Adoption and foster care
• Joint tax filing
• Insurance coverage
• Legal status with step-children

Responsibilities

• Spouse income and assets counts when applying for assistance
• Subject to conflict-of-interest rules
• Ineligible to receive survivor benefits upon remarriage

Many of these rights can be given by entering into legal contracts between two people, but many of them can only be given via marriage. Why does marriage have to be limited to between only a man and a woman? There is nothing in this list that would apply differently if the relationship is between a woman and a woman or between a man and a man versus being between a man and a woman.

Why is it that so many people are against denying these rights and responsibilities to two people that love each other?

Are they scared their own marriage won’t mean as much because suddenly gays are allowed to marry? Marriage doesn’t mean much already – just look at the divorce rate in this country. Just because Jane and Joe down the street have a terrible relationship doesn’t mean that your relationship is going to be terrible.

People that are against gay marriage say that it will destroy our society because the children raised by gays are growing up in an unhealthy environment. There are plenty of cases where heterosexual couples don’t love each other. Which is the better environment for the child? With parents that love you and each other, or with parents that don’t love each other? Or even worse, being a single parent.

I have a good friend that is a single parent, she has done an excellent job of raising her daughter. If a single person can do a good job of raising a child, then two people working together can raise an even better child. And I argue that a single parent can do a better job then two people who don’t love each other – as there will always be fighting between the parents, which is not a good environment for a child.

There are many gay couples that want to have children. There are many many many children in this country that need loving parents. Why are we denying the gays the right to adopt and raise these children? The heterosexuals aren’t doing it, why not let the gays? How many of these children raised by “the system” are actually healthy contributing members of society? Most of them are really screwed up. If a gay couple can raise a child in a healthy environment, and it keeps one kid from being really screwed up, then let them!

I plan to raise my children in a way to teach them tolerance. If someone loves another person, they should be able to marry – it doesn’t hurt me or my family in any way, and doesn’t prevent me from raising my family how I want. So I will tolerate them doing what they want with their lives. Live and let live..

All people are equal, whether black, white, man, woman, gay, or straight. Anytime you try to restrict the rights of others, you are preaching hate. I will not tolerate hate around my child.

My parents are LDS, and are very strongly against gay rights. But, they never acted before to inhibit the rights of gays to marry. But that has changed. The LDS church was the source of most of the funding for the proposition 8 campaign. My parents give 10% of their income to the LDS church. So they have indirectly supported the proposition 8 campaign, and so have acted to inhibit the rights of gays to marry. This makes them preachers of hate (as well as any other person who tithes to the LDS church).

So, until my parents recognize the rights of gays to marry, and quit supporting hateful organizations, they will not see my son, and in turn, my wife or myself. I will not tolerate teachings of hate in my home, and will not expose my family to hate.

For my parents to see my son, myself, and my wife again, the following must happen:

• They must write a letter recognizing that they have been hateful, express regret for being hateful, and stating that they have changed their opinion on gay marriage
• They must either quit giving money to the LDS church or the LDS church must stop acting in a hateful way, and recognize the right of gays to marry

Jaspenelle and I have discussed this. She believes it is a very strong stance, but has agreed to go along with it – she very much believes in the rights of people who love each other to marry.

One lamp – thy mother’s love – amid the stars
Shall lift its pure flame changeless, and before
The throne of God, burn through eternity -
Holy – as it was lit and lent thee here.

~ Nathaniel Parker Willis

Damian turned four months old today. He had a check up with Dr Kincaid this afternoon and he is healthy and perfect in every way (and teething!) This evening her crawled all the way across the bed. I’m so insanely proud. I cannot believe how fast time has gone by, four months already!

And yet… I can hardly imagine life without my Bumblebee. When I try to imagine it, my existence feels so incomplete without him. When I look at Damian (growing so fast!) soundly sleeping against my legs as I type this, I know that I would do anything for him. I know that I would give my life to protect him, I would have given my life even before he was born to protect him. I wonder if all mothers feel this way?

Some might say (and have said,) it has only been four months, how can I be so certain of the depth and berth of my love for my son? In response I can only say, how could I ever be uncertain? My love for Damian echoes in every cell, in every molecule of my being. No matter how much he can frustrate me, I always love him. I loved him before I met him.

Recently, in one of my online communities, a mother lost her three month old daughter to SIDS. I cannot even begin to fathom that kind of pain. Quite literally, my mind will not even allow my thoughts to wander in that direction, there is a white hot wall of agony barring my mind from dwelling on that horrific thought for more then a second. My heart has never ached so much at any other thought. The mother of that baby left the community, questioning if she should even be in the group anymore, as she was no longer a mother.

I wanted to cry out and wrap my arms around her, holding her as much to sooth her pain as my own. I want to cry “You will ALWAYS be a mother!” Even if she must wait till the end of her days on this Earth to hold her child again. I truly and deeply believe her baby will be waiting for her in the life after, unchanged in the face of time and in the care of angels.

Motherhood is a transformation of self that can never be reversed. Damian is a part of me. I will never again be the same person as I was before he was conceived. To be a mother is to acknowledge a love so infinite that even God stands in awe of its power. It is to be Goddess. Such a bond cannot be broken, especially not by mortal death, for as long as we draw breath, the memories of our children live on in this world. And when we draw breath no more, we will find ourselves in the Sommerlands with them running into our arms.

I wonder if all mothers feel this way?

(Photo taken by Andrea and fiddled with by me.)

It is perhaps because I follow a Pagan path, but most people are surprised when I tell them I follow many of Jesus’s teachings quite strongly. It is also the main reason I stay away from strictly organized religion, most Christians take issue that I don’t believe Jesus was the Son Of God in the traditional sense. I care more about his teachings then family tree. Jesus also had is own issues with organized religion, I think he would be horrified to see the things that have been done in his name.

To me “God” is simply a universal energy (Great Mystery/Manitou/Qi) that connects us all, from which we create facets that form our individual deities (Yahweh, Aphrodite, Isis, Three Pure Ones, Olorun, Ninhursag etc. Spaghedeity?) to help us better understand our present situation. In that light, I think we are all part of “God”.

Anyhow, about Jesus. To me he was a great spiritual teacher, like Buddha, and when you strip away all the dogma that now surrounds him (and who knows what that was lost in translation) Jesus’s teachings are mostly very basic and immensely powerful concepts.

Jesus taught love. There is no commandment greater than this. He taught this concept through compassion towards others, healing the sick, washing his disciples feet, stopping the stoning of a woman etc. Our actions speak louder the words and compassion is an amazing force I try to live my life by. It is certainly not always easy, especially when it comes to loving your enemy. I try to remember that my enemies can be my greatest teachers though. (This teaching is what drives a huge wedge between me and some Christians who spew hatred towards people who don’t follow their exact flavor of Christianity.)

Jesus taught forgiveness. Beyond requesting forgiveness from God (which I don’t do) Jesus said we must first learn to forgive those who have wronged us, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” This is another exercise in compassion, it can be hard to keep forgiving someone, and sometimes we must determine if they are truly sorry for their actions or if it ourself imposing our own beliefs on them. It is hard to be the judge of such things… which leads to the next point.

Jesus taught us not to be hypocrites. We have all done bad things (”sinned” if you prefer) and it is hypocritical to take an eye for an eye. Our love and compassion should be our guide on how we treat others, not man-made rules. I try to always live what I believe, leading by example? Ultimately I believe we win people over by love, not force (which is probably why threats of damnation and hell never work on me.) We should live and love not “for show” but because we truly want to live by that virtue.

Jesus taught prayer. Yes I pray, though I may not call them that and they are also not directed towards any deity. For me a prayer is simply a silent or vocal acknowledgment of gratitude. It is easier to me to remain in a place of wholeness and love if I take time to remember the things I am thankful for. Whether I am saying a blessing over dinner or taking time each day to list things that bring me joy, I see them all as prayers.

Jesus taught generosity. There is one story in the New Testament, where Jesus and his disciples are watching people donate to a temple. An old woman gives a couple coins, which is nothing next to other donations, but it is everything she had. Jesus says she is the most charitable of them all. When you give with love and expect nothing in return you open yourself to receive a multitude of gifts. I know this to be true in my life through experience, when I give, even in difficult times, new and unexpected ways to flourish open to me. Jesus never said that it is bad thing to be wealthy, but it is a bad thing to become blinded by the need for possessions. When you cannot part with your wealth to share even a little compassion, you become a slave to it.

My beliefs are pretty much a mishmash of everything I have read, which is probably why the Pagan path is so appealing to me. We have no doctrine and are free to make our own and adapt it as we learn and grow. My main spiritual focus has always been around being a steward of the Earth, whom I refer to a Mother Earth, and intrinsic part of that is the practice of compassion because if we show compassion for all things it is easier to nurture healing and growth (in my opinion at least.) Jesus’s teachings certainly are filled with compassion, hence they are solidly integrated with my personal beliefs.

I didn’t realize such a diverse crowd read my blog, thanks for all you comments on my last post!

I know some of Matt’s videos have been around for awhile but I particularly like this one (can’t remember which blog I ran across it on.)

I love to see happy people, I think that is why I love it so much.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

When someone’s time comes and they pass beyond the veil it is a sad experience for those who remain in this world. We can usually take some consolation if their passing was from natural causes. Last year my friend’s mother passed away after a long battle with ovarian cancer. When she finally left us, her death felt more like a release then anything else. Her immortal soul was freed from her suffering body.

When people have their lives ripped from them by murder, no part of my mind is able to comprehend it. It is so much harder to cope with death when it comes without reason or warning. The violence humanity seems capable of inflicting upon one another is so overwhelming, it sometimes feels as if our culture is addicted to violence more than love. It pushes my mind to into an emotional void that I do not like the dwell it but that is very hard to escape from. Oddly I feel no vengeance towards towards those who steal these lives, somehow my heart cannot contribute to the violence their actions spawns.

I can’t honestly say that I feel compassion for these people either, I want to feel outraged, but I just feel tremendous sadness. I wonder what forces in life push a person into believing hatred and murder are acceptable? Though I am not Christians I have usually found comfort in the words above from Ecclesiastes, I recognize that my soul needs to believe that there is a reason for everything. However if you read the passage further it goes on to say that there is a time for killing, war and hate. All of which I do not have room for in my heart. Maybe an Ojibway prayer is more fitting:

Grandfather,
Look at our brokenness.

We know that in all creation
Only the human family
Has strayed from the Sacred Way.

We know that we are the ones
Who are divided
And we are the ones
Who must come back together
To walk in the Sacred Way.

Grandfather,
Sacred One,
Teach us love, compassion, and honor
That we may heal the Earth
And heal each other.

People often say that we must heal the earth for the sake of our children, because they are the ones who will inherit it, but I wonder, who will heal humanity? We are broken too. Do we have what it takes to heal the earth and heal each other?

(Michael and I at Twelfth Night yesterday.)

The greatest blessing is having someone to come home to who loves you for all that you are, especially on those days when nothing goes right.

~~~

My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’d all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today,
I’m late for work again
And even if I’m there, they’ll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I’m home at last
and I’m soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn’t have a clue
Because you’re near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

- Dido: Thank You