Since early in my pregnancy with Ivy I had had a feeling she was going to be born on, my Grandpa Mason’s birthday, which is November 27th. As it turned out she was born on the 29th but I did go into labor on the evening of the 27th.

So many people have misconceptions of what labor is like. Most tv shows would have you believe that after weeks of bed rest from some unknown malady, a pregnant woman suddenly doubles over screaming in agony as her water explodes everywhere and then ten minutes later she pushes out a screaming perfectly clean baby. The mother never delivers the placenta on tv (in fact it is never even mentioned) and the mother’s body then magically reverts to it’s prepregnancy shape upon delivery of the child (haha.)

I say this because I want you to understand that when I say I went into labor on the 27th, I do not mean I was in active angry labor for a day and a half. What I mean is I had bloody show and sporadic light contractions that started on the evening of the 27th.

So what did I do now that it had begun? I took a bath and went to bed, and proceeded to slept through the night. (Not exactly Hollywood material is it?)

The next morning I woke up to the same light contractions of the evening before, but they were a bit more consistent, probably 10 or 15 minutes apart and lasting 30 seconds. I guess this is what a lot of medical professionals would call “failure to progress” and would have been wanting to induce me at this point but it wasn’t bothering me and Ivy was still moving about. I felt she was just doing things on her own time. I messaged my two friends (Andrea and Shannon) who were to be present for the birth not to leave town that day though.

I do not like focusing on early labor as it makes the whole experience seem to last forever so I started cleaning the house. You could call it nesting, but really my mother raised me never to have people over in a messy house, and since Ivy was to be a homebirth, people would be coming over. I also baked a batch of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies and made a Winter vegetable stew, that is more like nesting for me, yummy food! I even did the dishes…

Even though I was constantly distracting myself, the day still really dragged. When evening finally rolled around I was getting a bit annoying by it all. I called my midwife (Beth attended this labor) and friends to let them know to expect a middle of the night call and get some sleep while they could, and then we ate dinner. Around eight Michael and I put Damian to bed and finished watching an episode of TNG before getting ready for bed ourselves. Of course once I was ready to crawl under the sheets, I moved into active labor. Even though I was a bit tired I was really quite relieved, finally some change! However the strength of the contractions also made me want to plant myself down where I stood and not move, which happened to be on my knees leaning over my exercise ball in the doorway of Damian’s playroom.

Michael called Beth and Andrea. As Andrea lives just 5 minutes from us so she was the first to arrive, she texted Shannon at some point as well. Before Shannon arrived Damian decided that it was a good time to wake up so Andrea took over for Michael (who was rubbing my back) while he went to comfort him. Little did we know that all the activity of Shannon and Beth arriving a few minutes later would keep Damian up all night! He was very well behaved as long as Michael was holding him though. Andrea and Shannon were like my doulas during labor, they were amazing. Michael and Damian sat near me, always within arms reach, which was very comforting.

Eventually Andrea and Shannon convinced me I would be more comfortable on the couch then between a rocking horse and wooden blocks, so I managed to move into the living room and lay down. They were right, way more comfortable! Granted they were making me feel like royalty with how much they were pampering me which certainly helped me relax.

Don’t get me wrong, contractions still really really suck, and I was having back labor which is particularly horrid but I was still really happy. I was also really funny, at least in my own mind I was. When I was in labor with Damian, even when I was in transition, everything was amusing to me and I kept trying to tell jokes but my contractions got in the way. It was the same this time too though I don’t remember what I said other than at some point I was trying to tell Andrea why I was laughing and it was because Henry Winkler was covered in bees (Little Nicky reference.)

After Beth arrived and was all set up (she really does bring everything, even an oxygen tank, just in case…) she checked my dilation. I remember groaning “I bet I’m at 4cm and will be forever!” And guess what? I was right! Okay, maybe it wasn’t forever, but after a couple more hours it felt like it. When I delivered Damian I tore a little and had some scar tissue left from that, so my cervix had to get past that hurtle before dilating past 4cm. My cervix got hung up again at 6cm, just like it did with Damian. My water still hadn’t broken but was bugling, just like it did with Damian. If my body had it’s own way, I have a feeling it would give birth to the baby still in the amniotic sac. Neither Linda or Beth have ever seen a sac as thick as mine, the Fort Knox of sacs… With Damian, Linda had to break my water with a special hook designed for that purpose, though it looks eerily like a crochet hook. I delivered him 1 minute to the hour after my water was broken. With this both Beth also gave me the option of breaking my water but I decided to wait awhile longer and see if it would on it’s own. I also switched position back to the floor leaning over my exercise ball and stayed there until I delivered Ivy.

At 1:30 in the morning on November 29th I asked Beth to break my water. Within minutes of her doing that I had the urge to push, much to Beth’s surprise. I was a bit surprised too as I had yet to go through transition. I went directly from active labor to the urge to push. I was not about to complain about it though! Then one of the most amusing things that can happen during labor happened, at least in my opinion, Beth asked me not to push for a few contractions (my cervix was not done dilating so it was swelling due to my pushes, which is a little counterproductive obviously.) This is probably only amusing to women who have been in labor and who know that the urge to push is quite possibly the most overwhelming feeling in existence. Asking me not to push is like asking the Earth to stop spinning.

However the Earth did stop spinning according to everyone present, or at least they said that I did manage to not push for a few contractions. I honestly don’t remember (probably because I was thinking of various people covered in bees) but I do remember Beth telling me I could push again which I was probably more then happy to do. I few pushes after that Ivy was crowning and then her head was out and Beth told me to stop pushing, again! Not so funny this time since the reason not to push was due to my baby’s cord being wrapped around her neck. Again I managed not to push for most of a contraction, long enough to loosen to cord. Unlike with Damian, I felt Ivy’s whole body coming out, not just her head, this is because Ivy’s head circumference at birth was 13.5″ and her chest was 14″. Normally the head is the largest part of a newborn but not my daughter. She needs that extra chest room for her amazing lungs, which she was happy to let us hear as soon as she was out, much to my own relief. (A cord around the neck is not as scary as it sounds but in that moment it was the most terrifying moment in my life.)

Ivy was born almost exactly an hour after my water was broken at 2:30, just like with Damian’s birth. Since I gave birth to her on my hands and knees it was a little funny getting me sat down and Ivy up onto my chest but but in no time she was wrapped in my arms and snuggled against me. Other then Beth drawing some cord blood (it is important for me to know if Ivy has a positive or negative blood type since I am RH-) I held my baby girl until her cord stopped pulsing and was cut (by my very excited friend Shannon), I delivered the placenta and then breastfed my baby girl for the first time.

After that everything was little bit of a blur. There came the usual weighting (8lbs,) measuring (21″,) and Ivy received her vitamin K shot. Michael put on her first diaper, clothes and swaddled her and then everyone got to hold her for a little while (I love watching my husband hold our children) while Beth checked me out and I got to cleaned myself up (yay! Labor comes with an unbelievable amount of bodily fluids…) A couple hours later after Beth had finished all her postbirth cleanup and paperwork, she was gone and it was just Michael, Damian, Ivy, Andrea, Shannon and myself left. It was only then that I realized Andrea had brought a huge fruit tray and hummus and chips, yum! We talked for a time, though I don’t remember about what, mostly because I was dozing off, which was quickly noticed by all. I didn’t want Andrea and Shannon to leave, they were so wonderful during the birth, but they did. We couldn’t be blessed with better friends. And then it was just Michael, Damian, myself and our newest little baby girl.

We all ended up in bed together (I was pointless to try and get Damian to sleep in his toddler bed at that point) and falling asleep. Michael and Damian were out like lights and Ivy was already asleep in the crook of my arm. The last thing I remember before sleep overtook me was seeing my family glowing in the light of the moon streaming in our bedroom window as if we were being blessed by the Moon Goddess herself. Perfect is the only word that comes to mind to describe that scene, it made ever moment in labor worth it.

In these last few days before the arrival of our second child arrives, I have been looking at the early photos of Damian and rereading his birth story. He has grown so much in these past 17 months, I’m in awe. This is one of my favorite, he is just a couple days old here, he is definitely still Daddy’s little man.

Damian is standing beside me at the moment making lion noises (rwar, rwar, RWAR!) while holding his stuffed lion, which was assisting me in the tickle attack on Damian a few minutes ago. He has been such a big help lately, his developmental milestones being closer to that of a two-year-old. He helps me unload the dishwasher, put his clothes and diapers away, sweep (okay, he TRIES to sweep, good enough for me.) Damian’s greatest help as of late though is that he seems to understand that I am tired a lot and he will just crawl in my lap and relax and nap with me. I haven’t a doubt that he will be a fantastic brother but I do anticipate a bit of confusion in the beginning, as he is so use to my undivided attention.

All the birth supplies that I can prepare are ready and in a storage bin in our bedroom, all the newborn supplies are in their proper place too, clothes in the dresser, cloth diapers rewashed and stacked in the changing table, breastfeeding supplies in a bag (Lansinoh is my breast friend.) As much as the baby companies would like you to think otherwise, newborns really don’t need much. Well, that isn’t exactly true, they need a ton, they need your attention, your joy, your deepest love… and a heck of a lot of diaper changes.

I feel as ready for this birth as I can be and I know Michael is too. People tend to downplay the role of their partners during labor but I know I could not have gotten through Damian’s natural birth without Michael’s support (and the constant pressure of his hands on my lower back.) I truly believe he worked just as hard as I did and he will again for this baby’s birth. However, as ready for her arrival as I am, I know she will not come one moment sooner then her own schedule dictates. I just wish I could peek into her day planner!

This past Saturday my friend Andrea held a Blessingway for me. It was so much fun to get together with my women friends and celebrate this pregnancy. Andrea took all these lovely photos of the occasion and there are more in a set on my flickr account.

After indulging in lots of delicious fruit (quite possibly one of the shortest ways to my heart,) opening a few lovely gifts and chatting it up, my friends did a belly cast on me. I don’t think I stopped laughing the entire time, with maybe a couple squeals from cold water running down my side (which was quickly rewarmed and the bowl placed on a heating pad.) Michael and Damian watched. Michael was as vastly amused as I was which was a comfort to Damian who was rather perplexed by what was going on.

I am undecided what I am going to paint on it and probably will not get to it until Ivy arrives either way. I am thinking maybe some design with lunar moths as they have been so prevalent in my dreams during this pregnancy (as have coyotes and shooting stars for that matter.) I have a feeling the birth will inspire me as to the design.

It was an exceptionally wonderful day and am reminded once again of how very blessed I am to have the friends that I do. I love you all.

“I hope she falls, breaks her neck, becomes bedridden, gains hundreds of pounds, dies alone and burns in Hell.” — from my last entry

Wow, I can get pretty specific when I am upset can’t I? But you know what, that woman is not worth that much of my energy mental energy when I have so many wonderful things to focus on.

Today is beautiful and I am beautiful.

A woman said something to me when I was at the park with Damian this morning that really hurt. I was sitting down for a minute to catch my breath after a Braxton Hicks (false contraction) and some woman just came up to me and informed me that I should get up and chase him around to loose “all that extra weight you’re packing and set a healthy example.”

Maybe I just look fat rather then pregnant in the Winter coat but that is no reason for her to have said that! I am measuring exactly where I am suppose to for this pregnancy. How is what she said even remotely helpful? Was it suppose to motivating? So bizarre form of tough love? Was she just trying to randomly hurt the feelings of a stranger? She succeeded in that last one.

I don’t understand how people can be so heartless, I’ve never had someone be so out-of-the-blue cruel to me before. I was having such a shitty morning and went to the park because it makes me feel better and I feel she stole that from me, and I let her. I’m angry that I feel this way and that the only thing I could sputter out was “What the hell is wrong with you?” and she shrugged smiled and walked off, and I let her. I should have grabbed her and slapped her smug bitchy face, I should have stayed in the park rather then coming home and crying.

I hope she falls, breaks her neck, becomes bedridden, gains hundreds of pounds, dies alone and burns in Hell. And no, I can’t even find it in me to feel sorry for her right. I just… I’m so upset. I miss my mom, she would have killed her with a look.

Rain is in the forecast for the rest of this week, but I can’t complain – at least it is not snow! Last week we had some record lows. We normally do not drop into the teens until January here and all the local grower were scrambling to get their harvests in, especially the apples. The temperatures put my new row cover to the test as it is only rated down to 24°F and we had a few nights that got down to 19°F, it seemed to hold it’s own though. Carrots, radishes and one of my kale seem to have survived, something ate my other kale though. We will see how stuff grows from here on out as this year’s Winter bed went in late and is admittedly a bit of an experiment as I’ve never had one before.

Damian demands time outside ever day and in spite of the little cough he is developing, today was no different. After bundling him up and tucking him into his raincoat, out we went. I think he was vastly impressed by the amount of slimy things he was able to locate around the yard. If it doesn’t rain through this weekend I want to finish tidying up the yard. I feel like the weather has been a little crazy this year, no Spring to speak of, sweltering and bone dry Summer, record breaking early cold and hard frosts. If anything this rain is as close to normal as we have gotten.

Halloween is coming up fast, just 15 days away. I would like to finish Damian’s costume this weekend. Once the 31st passes, there will be just a month until my due date and Ivy could come at 38 weeks like Damian too, so maybe less. Two weeks before that my friend is having a Blessingway for me, I am very much looking forward to that! Before then though we want to finish getting everything we need for the birth ready, as well as pack the emergency bag should I need to go to the hospital – back up plans are always a good thing.

I have a really nasty flu, I almost had to go the hospital yesterday because my fever spiked and Tylenol was not bringing it down. Normally 102°F isn’t doctor worthy to me but everything is different when you are pregnant isn’t it? While I do have a bun in the oven, I don’t need to burn her (or worse, deliver early!) However that fever broke shortly after Michael got home to take care of me. He took Damian to the store and bought me gingerale and chicken soup too, I love that man.

It is ironic that when you are completely congested, all you want is to be able to breath, and then when you brain is draining out your nose (seriously, it has to be brains, there is no way my body can create that much mucus, so gross) all you want is to be a bit more congested.

Today I woke feeling a bit better except for really awful nausea, now that that is gone and I feel just as gross as yesterday again, my fever is back and forth between normal and 100°F. Luckily not any higher, Tylenol is doing it’s job. I ran out of elderberry syrup though so my throat is just killing me. I can focus enough to blog though! Whether I should be typing in this state is a matter for another discussion. As is if I have H1N1 because I know someone is going to suggest it and get all freaked out. If it is oh well, the likelihood of it taking me out is very low. What is kind of amusing though is even if I wanted to get vaccinated (which I don’t) I couldn’t anyways. Even though I am in one of the highest risk groups to get the disease, pregnant and in my 20s, the first volley of the vaccine out now is the nasal spray, which is a live vaccine, which means I can’t take it – because I am pregnant! The shot probably won’t be available until Ivy is born which kind of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?

Damian is being amazingly good through all this, when I was throwing up earlier he stood beside and gently patted my back and later when I was laying down he either played quietly by himself, came and snuggled with me or sat beside me and pet my hair. A couple times he tried to bring me his sippy to make me drink and he also brought me toilet paper (I don’t have kleenex) when I was sneezing. So cute! Granted he then ran off with the toilet paper when I fell asleep again and tped the living room… Hehe.

They are calling for potential snow flurries tonight, a forecast that is unfortunately echoed in with my almanacs (early snows and a truly frigid Winter.) I wouldn’t mind if they were both wrong, I am not really for snow, much less a repeat of last year’s Winter. Besides if it keeps getting colder I am going to have to figure out how to fit Damian’s Halloween costume around a snow suit (and since my Mom said she wants to get him one in Canada, I have been holding off looking for one. Not that they are selling them here yet anyways.) For the curious, I was going to make Damian a sunflower for Halloween but some thought that that was a little too emasculating, so I am making him a bee. I might dress as a sunflower though!

I am watching PBS documentary, the original Olympians competed naked? I would love to see that in today’s Winter Olympics. Let’s see how tough those skiers really are!

Wow, I’m easily amused when I am sick…

Time is flying by lately and Damian seems to be growing in leaps and bounds. I feel like he is coming up with some new little thing to wow us with every day. It is so magical to witness his personality developing. Lately we have been fully appreciating the last warm days of summer in our backyard. I’ve been watching Damian’s love for flowering dandelions transition to a love of dandelions that have gone to seed. He wanders around and picks all that he can cram into his little hands and then either blows on them or makes a running b-line for one of the raised beds. While I am generally faster then him (I’ve noticed the pregnant waddle returning recently,) I do now have a few little quarantine areas in the winter bed where I am watching for explosions of dandelion sprouts among the carrot. Do you think he will be helping me plant seeds next Spring?

My website ticker says that I am 30 weeks along with just 70 days until Ivy’s due date. Seriously, time is flying by! My midwife will be drawing blood this afternoon for the usual tests, ick! Not that I have any apprehension, but I don’t think anyone enjoys being stuck. I am grateful that Beth will be doing the draw I never feel it and she gets it right the first time (in the past nurses and doctors tend to butcher my arm looking for something to tap.) I have wanted to clarify something about my midwife, recently I was asked if I have two of them as I often refer to my midwife as either Beth or Linda. The answer is yes… and no. The Spokane Midwives practice is owned by both Linda and Beth but it is only ever one of them who gives me my check ups and only one will be attending Ivy’s birth (with an assistant.) Linda was the one who helped deliver Damian but I wouldn’t have minded if it had been Beth on call. I love them both and they are both equally experienced certified nurse midwives.

Since time is zooming along, I am pulling out my Bradley Method workbook today. When I was pregnant with Damian we took Bradley classes and while I was a bit of a skeptic at the time I know now that it is definitely the right choice for my body and desire for another natural birth. So in other words, it is time to start the review.

Another question I was asked recently is if I am having the intense and spiritual dreams that I had when I was pregnant with Damian during this pregnancy too. If you followed this blog when I was carrying Damian you might remember the dreams I had involving both condors and snakes. I have had similar dreams this time around but mainly with jackals (sometimes they are coyotes) and snakes. Lately luna moths have been present in some of the dreams too. The animals have never been frightened me, completely the opposite, they all have been incredibly maternal, supportive and protective. Even the moths, which are luna moths but prehistorically large are oddly maternal. So far they have only been present in the dreams where I have just given birth and they cover Ivy like a cozy blanket.

I generally try not to make predictions (at least not publicly) with my pregnancies, after all I thought Ivy was a boy, but I also keep dreaming she will be born the day after Thanksgiving, November 27th, which was my Grandpa Mason’s birthday (and the day I broke my arm when I was 13 too but let’s not think about that.) We will see I guess!

Michael took this photo of me before we went to the Millwood Farmers Market yesterday. I’m 27 weeks along for the curious. 90 days to go! I am standing under one of my Titan sunflowers growing in one of my raised beds. I don’t know if Damian or I love it more.

I forgot to take a photo of our market haul this week and we have already eaten some of it, whoops! But this week we bought:

• Apples, Pears, Watermelon and Sweet Peppers from Pacific Produce
• Romaine from C&S Hydrohuts
• Chunky Southwest Salsa from Granny D’s
• Sun-Dried Tomato Bread from Arabesque Farms & Bakery

We normally buy Small Planet Tofu too but he was not there this week, so we used the money on bread instead. It is SO GOOD. If you get a chance to go to the Millwood Farmers Market, definitely give them a try. One thing I love about the market is that I can barter the price on a lot of things, I only had $5 left and she gave me a deal on the bread because of it. Too bad you can’t barter at the grocery store!

I watched Rachelle, my friend Shannon’s 8-year-old daughter today. It wasn’t nearly as traumatic and I was worried it would be. Of course it helped my neighbor’s 10-year-old daughter was home and they played all day between my and her yard.

Did you know that the mother who controls the juice boxes controls the world? Mwahahahaha! The power of snacks!

Can’t believe I just said that… Anyhow, I’ll be watching her again tomorrow and then she started school on Thursday. Even though she basically took care of herself all day, I feel exhausted! Damian really wanted to roll with the big kids but he isn’t quite there yet. So there was lots of chasing around and a couple “but-why-can’t-I!” tantrums involved. Draining! At least he gives me my workout. I think it is impossible for me to be out of shape with my personal trainer toddler.

Speaking of my spawn, this pregnancy has been treating me well so far. Last week’s checkup with marvelously well, I’m right on all my numbers, as are Ivy’s. Her heartbeat is 145 for those who previously asked. The only problem thus far is that my sciatica is starting to rear it’s evil little head again, which happened at this same time when I was carrying Damian. I recognized it early this time though and have been working on keeping it from becoming debilitating again. So far so good! Also something is really aggravating my sinuses this week, probably the wildfires up north. It burns when I breath and the insides of my ears itch like hell! Bleh. It isn’t as bad this evening though.

This past week I have been strongly considering buying a crib. Damian never used one because we bed-share (and now he has a toddler bed.) When he was younger either I napped with him during the day or laid him on a floormat. Since it was just me and him I never felt it was a safety issue. However Ivy will need a safe place to nap during the day, away from her inquisitive and playful brother. Luckily Shannon gifted us with a crib which is in excellent condition (she bed-shared with Rachelle too so it is only slightly used.) We had to buy the mattress, but I would have replaced one anyhow. Yay for wonderful friends and saving some coin!

As for the picture at the top of this post, it felt weird posting without one so I give you gratuitous butt shots and bean stealing from this past weekend’s trip to AC Farms in Otis Orchards. You can never have enough green beans.

(One of the projects I am working on that Damian is helping with is building new raised beds. He is really enjoying helping me double dig the ground which they will be built on! And yes, he is running in circles through the freshly turned dirt waving a little plastic garden fork in this photo.)

I know that every pregnancy is different (I have been told so ever since I conceived Damian and probably before then too!) but the differences are really quite remarkable. My physical condition is not really that different from when I was last pregnant but my psychological condition definitely is. Not to say I have gone to stark raving mad (too late! Mwahahahaha!) and it is really nothing negative at all… Let me try to explain. When I was pregnant with Damian, I was acutely aware of my pregnancy; every kick or flutter, every moment of nausea or cramp, every little thing, and now with Ivy I have hardly noticed any of that at all. Sure she kicks, and I am definitely noticing the nudges to the bladder more often as she grows, but I do not feel the intense connection with this pregnancy that I did with Damian. Not that it really bothers me, I don’t have time to worry about it.

I would hazard to guess that chasing around a toddler all day, as well as all the other domestic chores and projects in my life are a big factor in why I have very much compartmentalized this pregnancy. I am not concerned about it but when I really think about it I kind of miss the connection. I think I might need to set aside some time for just her and I, maybe while Damian naps. On some visceral level I feel it is important for me to connect with her at this point in her development too. Does that seem silly? It is not as if she is going to remember me rubbing my belly and talking to her.

I do not want to regret anything about this pregnancy, I have one regret with Damian’s which I want to “fix” this time. I did not have prenatal photos taken, this October I am hoping Andrea will be willing to take them for me. She is the one who did the Stewart photos last year as well as our family photos with then month-old Damian. I want to make a birthing necklace that will be a mandala for Ivy when she is older with this pregnancy too. I have decided that I am going to have a mother blessing (sometimes called a blessing way) in October, rather then a baby shower. Other then a handful of items, I have most of what I need for Ivy since we needed it for Damian. A mother blessing is a more spiritually oriented ceremony then a shower, here is a nice little article talking about them.

One thing that has not changed at all from Damian’s pregnancy is the wild pregnancy dreams. The carrion eating animals are still even present, though whereas with Damian they were condors and vultures, with Ivy they are coyotes and jackals. While that might creep some people out, I find the dreams immensely comforting.

Anyhow, I just thought I would post some of my thoughts regarding this pregnancy since some people have asked. For the curious, to answer the remaining questions I have gotten breifly. I will be using a midwife again, still Linda and Beth, and am planning a homebirth assuming all continues to go well (I am not really concerned with anyone’s opinions regarding this, I assume your pro or con opinions have no changed since I made a similar choice with my last birth.) Physically, other then the occasional migraine (which are going away as my pregnancy progresses as they did with Damian,) I feel fantastic. Ivy is growing just fine and her heartbeat is strong. Her kicks to my bladder are becoming quite strong too. I am the right weight and my blood pressure is perfect. I am not quite as limber as before naturally (this bump is getting in the way!) but I have managed to keep with Damian and my daily walks and yoga. Damian is starting to notice Ivy kick when he sits against me, which is more amusing then I thought it would be, hehe.

Damian is starting to get old enough that he wants to help with everything, and while that doesn’t always help (if you know what I mean) I know he is going to be a fantastic older brother and great mommy helper when Ivy arrives. Both of which give me comfort and make me happy. I am happy. Everyone keeps asking me that for some reason. I am very much looking forward to meeting Ivy (her official due date is December 4th for the curious.) I am thrilled with my life and where it is leading, I am in love with my husband, I adore my son, I have fantastic and supportive friends. Most of all, I am also thrilled that we are nearing autumn, cooler weather sounds so wonderful right now.

I keep meaning to blog lately but really nothing much has been going on. We are in the midst of a heat wave, our temperatures have been about 10 degrees above average for almost two weeks now. The clouds that linger at sunrise make for a beautiful morning sky but burn away quickly. We had a little Lughnasadh gathering this past Sunday but several people ended up not being able to come (they were probably hiding out from the heat too) so it turned into more of a simple cook out. I didn’t mind though, I always find the warm weather sabbats to be more relaxed.

I have been feeling the baby a lot more lately. She pokes Damian sometimes when he is nursing, it rarely notices but I find it rather amusing. The heat with baby belly has been a little oppressive at times but I am pretty adaptable, except during the hottest parts of the day. I have been catching up on all the projects that don’t require much physical activity, I switched my walk to early morning and Damian tends to get his bath around 15:00, when I find it to be the hottest. I let him play in the water while I cool my feet in the tub. Jim, someone Michael knows through work, gave us an old AC window unit which was very kind of him. The bedroom is nice and cool for sleeping now.

They say the heatwave will break later this week, which I am hoping for, I want to get out into the garden to start double digging for the new raised beds. The weeds are nice and fried under the plastic we laid down. We’ve been looking up lumber prices so that we can budget for the raised beds, I think we will be using 2×12 pine. I am hoping we have a couple short ends left from that projects so that I can make a couple mason bee houses for next year. They are a fantastic native pollinator. I have seen a few of them around and I want to encourage their population new Spring when they reemerge. Contrary to popular belief they are not a destructive insect. They are a solitary bee so only the females make nests and they make use of existing holes to do so, they do not drill holes in wood. They are called mason bees because they seal off each cell in their nests with mud. They are also quite docile and tend to only sting if you accidentally step on one or close one in your fist.

Beyond the heat and gardening, I have a new addiction. Grilled pizza. It is so good! I made it again for Lughnasadh and fully intend on doing it again this weekend and pretty much until the weather prevents me from lighting the grill. It takes more prep work then just doing burgers or corn, but it is completely worth it! I love grilled zucchini and peppers on mine.

So I have my midwife appointment yesterday and I haven’t gained any weight (no cause for alarm) but my belly is measuring larger then it should be. This means one of two things, I am further along then I think, or there is more then one fetus in there. Possible too much information ahead.

Though I don’t think you can ever be 100% sure on your dates, I have only had one menstrual cycle since giving birth to Damian, which began April 1st and lasted for 10 days and was very heavy at some points. Three days longer then my former normal, but who knows what my norm is anymore, it was my first! I started throwing up when I was “suppose to” and generally speaking my pregnancy symptoms have matched where I think I am (12 weeks.)

My midwife uses a doppler instrument to measure the fetal heartbeat (it looks like an ultrasound wand if you know what that is) but had a hard time keeping track of my passenger. He or she was either incredibly active or I have a heartbeat on either side of my uterus. According to a friend, only Dr Who can have two hearts, I wouldn’t know but I’ll take his word for it!

So on July 16th I have an ultrasound scheduled to see what’s going on in there. I won’t know right away as the tech cannot tell me my “diagnosis” (makes it sound like pregnancy is a disease doesn’t it?) as some other specialist has to look at the results and then contact my midwife and then she will call me. (Convoluted!) But I intend on watching that screen like a hawk, I know what Damian looked like in this, if it looks different think I’ll know. Especially if there are two black voids with little flickering heartbeats in them, that would be kind of hard to hide.

I’ll be completely honest and say I am kind of hoping my dates are off, not because I will not adore twins if that is the case, it just feels kind of overwhelming right now. One has been challenging enough through all the diapers, teething, feedings, bathing etc and I just imagine that times two. Did you know that since before Damian was born I have had reoccurring dreams of having a little boy first and then fraternal twins, one boy and one girl? That might have me a little nervous too.

We’ll see I guess, right?

(Linda weighing Damian.)

Thank you so much for all your beautiful comments! I have a few minutes so I decided to drop by blog land for a bit and let you all know how everything is going.

Damian Michael Stewart was born on June 6th at 10:15pm and as you know, he is 8lbs8oz and 21 inches long. He is sooo perfect (I am sure every new mother says that) and came out screaming! (And has hardly screamed since, hehe!)

He was my first and labor was like nothing I expecting (I am sure that new mothers say that too…) Labor lasted 18.5 hours. We were at the birth center with my midwife for 7.5 of them. We ended up artificially breaking my water almost exactly an hour before Damian was born. I went through transition and pushed him out all in that time, it was very intense.

Michael was sooo wonderful, he was basically pushing on my back the whole time, when I was in bed, on the birthing ball, in the tub, when I was pushing… I didn’t know he had that kind of stamina (he told me that he was telling himself “if she can keep doing it, then I can keep doing this.”) I am amazed my body could do it all naturally, there was a couple times I thought I couldn’t do it but they were brief. I don’t think I couldn’t have done it without Michael’s constant support and encouragment, and Kim’s too! (My mother-in-law attended the birth, I somehow managed not to crush her hand.)

I tore a little (no stitches) so peeing really sucks right now. Breastfeeding is getting a little easier, I have to use nipple shields (I think that is what they are called) because I have flat nipples. I got a hickey on my nipple the first time we tried though (OW!)

We came home a couple hours after he was born (we are only 20 minutes from the birth center.) The midwife is coming over to check me and the baby tomorrow. I going to write a more detailed birth story sometime soon but for now I need some more naptime (and I think the baby needs some boobtime!)

(More photos here. None with me, I am not ready for my post-pregnancy photo debut quite yet.)

I keep getting struck by awe, we have a baby boy!

Damian Michael Stewart was born on June 6, 2008 at 10:15pm. He weighed 8lbs, 8oz, and had a length of 21 inches.

If you are squeamish about bodily functions you probably shouldn’t read this. Basically, I might be in labor, but it is sporadic so I am unsure.

Now for details… I got up at 03:30 and had lost my mucus plug. Actually in my half asleep state I thought my water had broken so I woke up Michael. However the “fluid” was sticky mostly clear (ie: mucus not amniotic fluid.) Then I started having contractions and they were regular. 10 minutes apart and a minute long, then 9 minutes apart and a minute long. Then I got the laundry basket full of towels put away.

We started getting excited and the contractions stopped. Hehe, figures! Then they started again (as soon as I tried to get some more sleep) but now are very sporadic, varying from 4 to 12 minutes apart, though they feel a bit more intense. I wouldn’t say they are painful but they certainly force me to focus only on them and if it wasn’t for Michael helping me relax I would be a total tensed up ball.

I am bleeding a little now too, not much, just spotting and some in the mucus which is still coming out, which is normal. Debating calling the midwife or whether Michael will stay home at the moment now.

So maybe this is it, maybe it isn’t. Exciting though.

EDIT: I’ll be updating how stuff is going on my Twitter.

This is a little kitten my in-laws had at their home on Memorial Day, she is about 4 weeks old. Her stray mother more or less abandoned her on their porch. I think it took every ounce of me that isn’t completely governed by maternal instinct not to bring her home…

I am pregnant and I realize this makes me moody, but that does not discount my emotions. The moodiness makes all my pet peeves glaringly obvious, which in turn makes me notice how ridiculous I can be. Which cam be depressing or funny at times.

One of my friends offered me a rather amusing solution for the annoying people who come up and invade my personal space try to rub my baby belly. Usually this action is met by a rather explosive variety anger on my part (haven’t been arrested yet though.) She sugguested I should just rub their bellies back, with a statement asking about what trimester they are in. It seems to get the point across quite well while keeping me in decently good humor.

Oddly enough, no one ever tries to touch my belly when I am out with Michael, maybe he looks intimidating… I don’t know if he is more protecting me or protecting everyone else from me.

Moving on in the land of pregnancy pet peeves, people who try to guess how I am feeling: you look ready to pop!/getting anxious yet?/feeling uncomfortable? Which feels the same to me as when someone says “Are you sick? Cuz you look like shit!”

I am pregnant, this is natural, yes it has its uncomfortable moments since it feels like I have a beachball full of kittens strapped to my abdomen. If I start feeling not fine, I will say so. I do understand that people worry but the only thing that is really stressing me about pregnancy lately is being assumed to not be anything but okay. Is this unfair of me to not want to answer the questions? Maybe, but I think everyone wants to be treated like their usual self most of the time, not as a curiosity. (This whole paragraph is mostly directed at people who are not family or close friends. Both family and close friends are allowed to touch my tummy as much as they want too.)

Oh and I can’t forget the flood of parenting advice from everyone, particularly those who seem hell bent on it only being their way or the highway. Do they really think I am going to retain anything they are telling me when I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast? Sometimes they seem to think mocking me is a prefect way of getting their point across. Do they really think saying things like

• “Oh, a natural birth? Haha! You will be screaming for an epidural hun.”
• or “Cloth diapers, you won’t last a day!”

help me in any way shape or form? Mocking is not an effective tactic and I do not have the type of personality that cowers in the face of opposition. Just a warning, eventually Michael will not be around to protect you from me!

So that is pretty much it as far as the pet peeves go. On a whole, there is actually way more positives flying around then this post suggests. The good far far far outweigh the bad, which is a huge blessing, if it wasn’t for those kind words and actions I don’t I could keep the couple scraps of rational thought around when people annoy me.

So huge thank yous should go out to all those people, Michael, Dad, Aunt Vickie, Shannon, Eve, that lady at the garden center, both Aunt Ruths, Aunt Lois, Nana (yes I do get your comments!), AZ, Alex, Kim, Ginanne and a ton of people I am forgetting.

You are all keeping me from being arrested for assault!

From left to right: Kim, Greg, Ariella, Lydia and Ginanne holding her daughter Emily. (Michael, Jordan and I are off frame.)

On Sunday and Monday, Michael and I were up at my in-laws home in Elk, WA. Ginanne, Jordan and their daughter Emily, also came up, though they camped out down in the apple orchard. After they had set up their camp, we all decided to go down to the orchard and have a campfire. We roasted weenies and made smores (mmm smores!)

I really love Greg and Kim’s property, which is in a pretty densely wooded area near Mount Spokane State Park. It use to mostly border the park but the state recently sold some land to some developers who are changing it into a rural housing development (grrr.) Greg and Kim have a natural pond right by their orchard in the Spring. It is more of a swampy wetland for the rest of the year, but even then, I love all the rushes and wildlife in it (except the gigantic bloodsucking insects.) The orchard is nice too, though it was pretty much abandoned to the forest a long time ago, the apples are of an heirloom variety I believe.

On Monday morning, after gobs of pancakes and strawberries, Kim, Michael and I went for a hike around the property and out onto the land that is being developed. The people developing it have logged it pretty heavily. The lots are going to be quite large (6 or so acres) and the land is currently going for $6000 an acre. It is kind of sad to see the natural area destroyed, especially since it was state park land and I did not know the state could sell land they bought with my tax dollars.

It was really windy on our hike but also really refreshing. I love getting out an walking in nature and walking is really good for me right now, though if I try to go to fast I get Braxton Hicks contractions! I especially love all the wildflowers around this time of year up around Greg and Kim’s property. I’ll be posting several photos of them in my photoblog over the next few days.

After we got back from our hike and swapped photos (some of the photos in my gallery were taken by Kim, they are the ones with date stamps) we had burgers and potato salad and watched Pirates 3 (I honestly don’t get what all the hype is regarding those movies, maybe they just aren’t my thing though.) We normally visit the grave of a soldier at the Elk cemetery on Memorial Day, but Michael and I were so tired by that point that we just came home. (I have a lot more photos from the weekend, especially our hike, here.)

I had my ultrasound today, the baby is head down now and all is well. I am also now at the point I can go into labor without him being considered premature. Only 20 days till my due date!

(My super sexy husband! I took this photo of him yesterday when we went up to make sure the trail we are probably cleaning up next weekend wasn’t under water.)

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday ans she asked me to get an ultrasound as soon as possible so that we can figure out the baby’s position. Normally Linda can tell how he is positioned by feeling around my belly but the baby is being very mobile and uncooperative lately (wow, didn’t expect him to manifest some of my more “endearing” personality traits so early… hehe!) She thinks he is breach again.

I’m a little concerned, I know Linda would not ask me to get an ultrasound unless she found it absolutely necessary. I am glad she is erring on the side of caution though. If he is breach there are still things we can do to get him back into the head down position, it will just get more difficult to do it as time passes (he is almost out of room in there!) She will deliver breach babies, but naturally there are more risks associated with that kind of delivery which we will have to be carefully considered. She has been very upfront about all that. So anyhow, I am shooting for being able to get an ultrasound early next week, before my next appointment.

I have the most horrendous heartburn today but otherwise I feel okay, still a little moody, but okay. I received a nursing bra via my Amazon Baby Registry today. It didn’t say from who but it is comfortable and really cute too, I love it. Thank you!

After my midwife appointment yesterday, Michael and I drove around to look at the local flooding, the Spokane River is above flood stage right now.

This is the Spokane River downtown near the falls. The river bed normally completely dries up in some places come summer time. No one has seen it this high since 1997 though (which is the last time we had widespread flooding.) The are saying the river will crest sometime this weekend.

I took some footage of the river yesterday as well since photos don’t even begin to capture how fast the river is moving (here are some of the still photos though.) Michael needs to teach me how to get the video from the video camera, to the computer, to the blog, so no video today, hopefully I have one up tomorrow.

I have a question for mothers who have breastfed, what kind of nursing bra did you use?

I bought a cheap one from Walmart awhile ago (the only type that they had) and it is really uncomfortable now (I loath underwire and I don’t believe it really makes a difference.) I use to be a 36B cup but now I am a 36C. From what I understand when the baby is born my breasts will get even bigger? (Sweet.) My breast tissue is rather tender lately as well and going braless is not an option because I already need to wear breast pads almost all the time.

I don’t have a lot of disposable income so it needs to be reasonably priced. I don’t need it to be cute or lacy (never thought I would be saying that…) I need it to be effective. I put a few different kinds on my Amazon Baby Registry (scroll to the bottom) that look comfortable – has anyone used any of those types? What did you think of them?

Any other suggestions would be welcome too!

So we got a couple sheets for the crib and guess what? They don’t fit! They are too big.

One of Michael’s coworkers gave us a used crib a few months ago, which is awesome since cribs are expensive! Other then some squeakiness, it seems like a great crib, it has wheels so we can roll it between the nursery and the bedroom if we want. It is called a portable crib but I didn’t realize that meant it was a different size from a “standard” crib (24×38 inches rather 28×52 inches.) So normal crib sheets don’t fit it.

So after the realization, I looked up portable crib sheets. The first ones I found were $30 each! Holy cow, I won’t even spend that much on sheets for myself! Maybe getting a standard crib made more financial sense… I looked again this morning and found portable crib sheets on Amazon for $5 each. Much better!

I still don’t want to order them though.

I know crib sheets are suppose to fit snuggly, but I don’t see why I can’t just tuck the larger sheets under and safety pin them in place on the bottom of the mattress or shorten then with my sewing machine. They fit pretty snuggly that way.

Bleh, I feel like I am stressing way to much about this.

Anyhow, beyond this small crib issue, its all good. I have been entertaining the thought of getting a moses basket for the bedroom but that is just an indulgence on my part. My dad got us a rocking chair (which I need to take a photo of) it is super comfortable. I’m sitting on it at the moment actually.

I think Michael and I are ready for the baby to arrive (though not for a couple more weeks, we want him to be full term!) I am at 35 weeks as of today, which means I am now “heavily pregnant”! That term sounds really funny to me. I think my sense of humor may be becoming more and more bizarre though.

I don’t feel “heavily” pregnant. I feel fantastic most of the time and everyone still seems amazed by how much mobility I have (they haven’t seen me try to get out of the tub…) I take quite a few naps and even more bathroom breaks but I still feel pretty comfortable. I have been having a fair amount of Braxton Hicks contracts but I have read that it pretty normal, my uterus is just getting in shape. They make my back ache though. The baby is still moving lots but I can tell he is running out of room in there. I love the look on Michael’s face when he feels him move.

Anyhow, I suppose I should get back to organizing the nursery. I need to finish putting the last things in my suitcase to take to the birthing center too.

Maybe I will have a cucumber first though…

I had my midwife appointment today. I lost a pound since last time but Linda isn’t too concerned since my belly grew. I think I lost the weight doing housework actually. Since I am not on my butt at work all day anymore I have been a lot more active, I have been taking long walks in the park every morning too.

Today was Michael and my last Bradley classes (childbirth class.) We had a potluck (I made that vegan fudge for it.) We started the class 12 weeks ago with eight couples and now we are down to three (the couple in the far left of the photo had their beautiful baby boy two weeks ago but brought him today for us to meet! One other couple also couldn’t make it to this last class.) Jennifer Trunkey was the most amazing teacher, I highly recommend her to anyone local looking for a Bradley teacher. She is amazing.

I am really going to miss class, it was a beautifully supportive environment, though there has been some talk of a reunion a couple months after our babies are born (I think the last one is due in July. I am the next one due!) I really loved the class and feel it has helped Michael and I prepare physically and especially emotionally for labor and beyond.

Today marks 40 days to my due date but I do not feel stressed, I feel prepared and ready to face this upcoming remarkable transition. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that we are soon going to have a precious beautiful baby.

(Click the image for a bigger picture – 1024×768.)

This is how my birthing necklace looks so far (if I receive more beads, it will grow in length of course.) I really like how it has turned out too. I know not all the donated beads are red, but some people have difficulty following directions (I love you grandma and mom.) I find I really don’t mind though, the beads they sent were justified with special meanings which, in this case, were more important than color.

As always, Windigo had to get his adorable little face in my craft picture too. I usually crop him out but I thought he looked exceptional cute here.

(I think it is funny that Aos is the only one looking at the camera…)

I know this is going to sound horribly petty, but I am really tired of gaining weight.

I know, I know… It is because of the baby and I can loose it afterwards but for some reason it is really getting me down today. Might be because of the guy who called me a fat cow on the bus plaza escalator today. The women standing behind me ripped him a new one after hearing it but still. It bugged me.

I took the stairs back down after, just thinking about the escalator made me want to cry. Oh well… I suppose that it is better for me to take them anyways. I get really winded really easily lately the baby is sitting so high, I am sure I have lungs somewhere in there… I am really looking forward to the baby engaging, even if that does crush my bladder.

Then I got stuck beside a meth addict on the bus and she was picking her scabs and fidgeting. Though I feel sorry for the situation she has found herself in, I had to move. It was driving me nut and I wanted to yell at her that she was throwing her life away. Which wouldn’t have helped her, it would have made me feel bad if I had anyhow.

I’m just so tired, it is really hard to get restful sleep anymore and I have to get up at 4:45 every morning for work. I put in my two weeks at work yesterday, somehow it made me feel weak to do that though I know it was the right choice for me. I expected to stay till the end of May. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I am randomly emotional lately too, it makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I am happy 95% of the time but that 5% really sucks. I was holding a baby quilt my mother-in-law made when I got home and just started crying and I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t sad or lonely, I just wanted to cry, so I did. Michael’s support helps beyond words of course but I know my mood swings are not the easiest things to handle. He tells me without prompting how beautiful I am and how much I mean to him. I know he means it and his sincerity feels so beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful too.

I am so ready to meet this baby.
6 more weeks.

I just want a hug.

This is a picture of my living room altar at the moment. A friend made it for us as a handfasting gift, it is gorgeous solid pine with lots of storage space and very sturdy. I am slowly working on wood burning my sun into the top of it (hence the cloth covering up that particular work in progress.) I do most of my spiritual arts and crafts at this altar because I have a tall chair that is the perfect height for me to sit comfortable in front of it.

That is my birthing necklace on it (and some tools to work on it too) if you are curious. You can click the photo for a larger one if you wish. Some people have emailed me about wishing to donate a bead. I didn’t realize so many people read my blog! Thank you! The criteria for bead is as follows:

• It must be red.
• It cannot be plastic.
• Any shape is allowed but I would rather they not to be much larger then a dime.
• I will need it before May 15th.

You can send the bead to:

Michael and Jaspenelle Stewart
3129 E 29th Ave B
Spokane, WA 99223

I started working on the necklace today (realizing I had enough beads to do that was a wonderful feeling.) So far so good! Many thanks to Neserit, who shared the rosary tutorial with me. I am using that technique to connect the beads. It was a little tricky at first but I seem to have gotten the hang of it (thank goodness for spare eye pins though…)

I’ve paused working on it for now, I have lots of spare beads but I know there are still some beads coming in the mail and I don’t want to rush this, though it obviously has to be done before I go into labor! I also want to do a ritual with it on the next full moon (on May 19th) as that will probably be my last before the baby comes! Hows that for a life transitions…

These are a few of the beads I have gathered or that people have given me for my birthing necklace. The only criteria I have for it is that donated beads must be red (representing the umbilical cord) and that I would rather they not be plastic. Since all the red beads are from others you can probably tell which ones I added to the lot! Most of our baby’s things are celestial themed, which is why I chose the blue lampwork moon as the focal point and the golden star spacer beads. I am hoping to have it done by May 19th so I can bless it under the full moon ritual.

I was originally going to make the birthing necklace on my own but when one of my friend’s found out I was making it and offered me a red bead to add to it, that idea seemed to hold more power. Now I am receiving more and more beads from people for it. I cannot put into words how blessed that makes me feel! My mother and grandmother are even going to send me a few heirloom ones and I admit, that offer made me cry…

If you are wondering what exactly a birthing necklace is simply a necklace that I will wear or have near me while I am in labor. I didn’t even know there was a term for the idea until I talked to my friend! When our baby is old enough to understand it’s meaning I plan on reworking the necklace into a mala for him.

I talk about the baby quite often but not much about the care I am receiving. I do want to talk about my midwives though, they are so amazing! I switched to Spokane Midwives about a month and a half ago and I have not been disappointed in the least. It is a practice run by two midwives, Linda and Beth and and they are everything I wanted.

I decided to switch to midwife care because I felt I was being treated like a sick person at the clinic I was going to. From talking to several people I also felt that no matter what hospital I switched to I would be treated as such. Pregnancy is a not a disease in my mind, it is a natural phase in my life. My attempts to discussion natural childbirth with my previous provider were also largely ignored and the doctor I saw (only twice, otherwise I only saw nurse practioners) had a very abrupt bedside matter and was rather dismissive. Since I desire a natural childbirth, this was a huge turn off.

Linda and Beth on the other hand (my midwives) are wonderful! I would say they are more skilled when it comes to drug free vaginal birth then a doctor too and they make me feel infinitely more comfortable.

Don’t get me wrong – I think that doctors are a blessing in the rare instances where medical intervention is necessary, but they are trained to operate and intervene, not to let things progress naturally. Did you know that in most developed countries midwife care is the norm, not the exception? I think that is why I find it so ironic that the USA has the second highest infant mortality rate (among developed countries, not worldwide) and we also have the most hospital births. If births attended by midwives were as dangerous as people perceived I doubt my insurance would cover them as well…

Michael is 100% supportive of my choice, he is my Bradley coach after all and has attended all the classes so far with me (and for 12 weeks of classes I think that says a lot for his dedication.) We weighed all the options together and did the research and both came to the conclusion that midwife care was the best choice for us. We both love Linda and Beth. They acknowledge Michael fully, rather then treating him as a wall ornament, they recognize that we are a team. They have great bedside manner. We never feel rushed at an appointment and they take the time to listen to all our concerns. At my visit today for example we talked about breech babies (my baby is currently feet down) and how to get him to flip naturally and stay that way, as well as delivery options for a breech baby (you can still delivery naturally but it does have an increased risk. Linda was not afraid to tell me about the risks, which I am grateful for.)

Linda and Beth do home births and also run the Spokane Midwives Birth Center. I am giving birth at the birth center since my insurance won’t cover home birth (I did not apply soon enough for it otherwise they would have.) The birth center is really beautiful though and I don’t mind going there at all (mmm birth tub!) I take my weekly Bradley classes there in fact. It is a 20 minute drive from our home. The level of care I am receiving from them makes me anticipate labor rather then dread it and that is a very empowering feeling.

Even when I am sick I find myself analyzing my body, more to tell my midwife about I suppose, maybe I am just a pawn in my curiosities greater subconscious plot, either way I have noticed something. Whether you have a doctor or midwife, they always ask what color my phlegm is, apparently this gives incredible incite into what ails you.

Did you know that phlegm is part of an ancient theory known as “humourism” which is credited to Hippocrates. It influenced medical thinking for more than 2,000 years, until finally discredited in the 1800s. It stated that the human body was filled with four basic substances (black bile, bile, phlegm, and blood) called the four humours, which are held in balance when a person is healthy. All diseases and disabilities result from an excess or deficit one of the humours.

So I have an excess of phlegm which is a particularly nasty shade of green. Nice to know this mostly likely means I have a healthy thriving infection! Last time it was this color I had bacterial bronchitis. “Healthy” phlegm is normally clear or white by the way. (However, the initial state of the common flu when the phlegm is still clear can also be the most infectious period, which means this is the time to cough on all those people you don’t like…)

Between my prescribed staying home, hot baths, ginger and Echinacea teas, rest, vitamin C rich foods, lots and lots and lots of water and absolutely no refined sugar I seem to be improving much faster then others I’ve infected. Not so green phlegm is showing up today and my ability to breath is slowly returning (which is always a perk.) The baby is as active as ever, which is a good sign of course.

I am feeling miles better then Sunday, I think yesterday was the hump day in this sickness.. I feel like I actually have some energy today, so as long as I do not overwork myself, it’s all good.

Baby shower is on Saturday and I am set on being well by then.

~~~

Off topic and a little bit of an older story but I think stories like this are tragic. I do not understand how that second model could possibly seen as more beautiful by the judges! She looks likes a skeleton.

My super immune system has failed me and I’ve gotten this horribly bug that has been going around, fever, chills, sore throat, earache and so much more!
So fun.

Pregnancy Notes To Self:

• Understanding husbands who pamper you are totally the best. Love you Michael!
• It is hard to resist the urge to take medication when you feel this shitty.
• Beets are totally not cool to throw up, it looks like blood.
• Ginger lemon tea rules, best herbal remedy ever.
• Kiwis also rule.

Totally going back to bed now.

One egg has 13 essential nutrients packed into 75 little calories. It is a super food little power pack. Ignore that whole cholesterol concern, eggs have the good kind.

Eggs are fantastic for you if you are pregnant. To start, they are an excellent source of choline, an essential nutrient that helps in fetal brain development and in the prevention of birth defects. Two whole eggs contain approximately 250 milligrams of choline, this is about half the recommended daily amount.

One egg also contains 7 grams of protein, which is essential for fetal growth (a cooked egg has almost twice as much absorbable protein as a raw one you know?) Eggs also contain a particular type of B vitamin which is important for the development of nerve tissue as well as a form of iron that is particularly easy to absorb, reducing your risk of anemia.

It is a super food I tell ya!

One problem though… I hate eggs.

Unless they are sunny side up or soft boiled (and I mean almost raw soft boiled) they are vile nasty things. Grossest texture ever! Still they are so good for me right now that I eat them anyways. There are very few ways I am able to do this, one seems to be working out particularly well though, if somewhat disturbing (according to a coworker…)

Jaspenelle’s Method of Eating Two Eggs a Day

- Hard boil them.
- Draw faces on the shells.
- Vent pregnancy frustration by smashing their faces to bits, peeling their faces off, pouring salt in their wounds and eating them.
- (I usually get hiccups at this point for some reason and I know I am not eating them too fast…)

Disturbing? Maaaaybe, but hey, it gets me to eat those two little power packs and feel better all at the same time.

How do you eat your eggs?

My stomach no longer listens to my brain.

Stomach: Want veggie egg rolls!

Brain: No, we have perfectly good food at home.

Stomach: Egg rolls?

Brain: No.

Stomach: Egg rolls!

Brain: No!

Stomach: EGG ROLLS!

Brain: NO!

Stomach: Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls! Egg rolls!

Brain: NO! NO! NO!

Stomach: Pot stickers?

Brain: urrrrg… gurrrgle… *dies*

OMG I want some Panda Express veggie egg rolls.
Like, 100.
With sweet and sour sauce.
Now.

Yesterday Michael and I went and set up our gift registry at Walmart for the baby shower, which will be on April 5th. I am really starting to look forward to it and having all my friends there celebrating the coming of our baby. The registry was really fun to create too, once you register they give you a little scanning gun (it reminds me of a phaser) and you can go around the store and scan the barcode of everything you want. Then it plugs in to the registry terminal and uploads everything to your registry. People can pull the registry up online or go to any store and find it (just look up Jaspenelle Stewart.) Michael and I really got into looking at all the cute baby stuff but we tried not to get to scan happy… hehe.

Walmart was fun but rather draining in a unique way (anyone use to small stores probably knows what I mean) so to recharge a bit Michael and I went for a walk by the Spokane River and he took this picture of me. I know I am right where I am suppose to be weight wise right now but some days I feel huge and cumbersome… but most of the time I am quite comfortable with how I am. I love how I look in this picture and I feel so blessed to be at this wonderful point in my life.

The distance between my fingers and my shoe laces is becoming harder and harder to bridge…

It is worth the stretch though, Michael and I are going to see Doomsday.
(My kind of movie.)

Anyone who knows me even vaguely knows I adore the sun, I love it more then the moon even. (Is that considered Pagan sacrilege? Hehe!) I could care less about tanning though I do love my sun kisses (freckles.) For me it is more the mere presence of the sun that uplifts and empowers me. Every morning, especially when I am up to see the sun breaking the horizon, I say a little sun mantra to myself thanking it for being there for me.

I love drawing styled suns too, even my business logo has the sun in it. I love depictions of the sun, anything that catches the sun’s rays, and solar colors. Orange is my absolute favorite color. I have sun catchers in almost every window of my home, a couple of which are dragonflies, my personal sun totem. The snake, another one of my totems is definitely a sun worshiper like me. When I stand in the sun I feel like the snake, my batteries are charging up.

Whether the sun comes out or not during the day greatly affects my moods, which is evident in the past couple days. The night before last I barely got any sleep and the next day dawned gray and drizzly. I had a miserable day yesterday. Last night I didn’t get much sleep either but it was sunny today and I feel exponentially better even with my body hurting and I am a little wiped out.

What can I say? I must be solar powered!
If I loved the sun anymore I just might start photosynthesizing…

~~~

In news from the swelling baby belly front, Michael and I are pretty sure one of my ovarian cysts ruptured at about 2am last night. I thought my appendix has burst it was so excruciating – but I feel perfectly fine today though and the baby is as active as ever. Whatever twist of evolution caused cysts to exist should be kicked repeatedly in the head.

I have a buttermilk cinnamon raisin loaf in the oven right now and I can hardly wait for it to be done cooking. Oh my gosh it smells sooo incredibly good! T-25 minutes…

It is a glorious day outside, 45F! I have the windows cracked to let some of the fresh air goodness in. My patio windchime caught my eye this morning, the central glass piece was positively glowing in the midmorning sun. Spring fever has hit strongly and I feel the overwhelming urge to to indulge my nesting instincts, the equinox is only 22 days away! However, I promised to take it easy until this sciatic thing eases up, so sitting down I am.

Still, it is nearly impossible to stay put with all this gorgeous sunny day energy filtering into my home. I really want to get outside and garden (though it is wayyy to early in the season for that, this warm up cycle is just a tease) so I have tried to content myself with planning what I am going to do with our patio, (which is 3/4 concrete, 1/4 dirt.)

The dirt portion looks especially dejected right now, the snow has mostly melted off it revealing the few miscellaneous and mostly useless plastic pots I have out there. I see this area of our home as the biggest challenge, the soil is horrid – I can hardly call it soil. It is compact and full of gravel. It also receives very little sunlight during the day because our proximity to the next row of townhouse. Maybe 2/3 hours of morning sun and then 1.5 hours of partial shade on either side of that, so 5 hours of workable light, maybe 6… So it will most certainly be shade garden as well as very simple this year with the main focus on improving the soil. Can we say compost? Perhaps I will seed it will some prairie legumes (like Purple Prairie Clover) which fix nitrogen in the soil (improve soil quality.) I would love to grow some kind of shade loving vine on the wooden fence, not sure how much my neighbors would love me though if it turned out to be a prolific grower… I am not very well versed in shade plants (I have always been more of a vegetable gardener) so this is all a unique challenge.

As for the rest of the patio, 3 feet of the other side is taken up my Michael and my bicycles and a storage shelf, leaving about 7 square feet of concrete in the middle. Long and short term plans here remain very simple, a kettle grill, a small patio set (probably from a thrift store, I will know it when I see it!) and a few container plants.

Garden space has always been very important to me. I hate the hard edges of the city and even though Spokane is pretty green, I still feel that I am a million miles away from Mother Earth sometimes. Even the smallest gardens help me reconnect and as I nurture them, in return they nurture my soul.

So I am more or less certain that butt nerve pain is sciatic nerve pain. Why? Because you all said so! And my childbirth class teacher said so, and the lady who works in surgery in our class said so and my Aunt Ruth said so! Actually the lady who works in surgery said a physiotherapist would be great at helping me with the pain, and since that is what my aunt is, I figure she should doubly know! (Unfortunately she is in Ontario and I am in Washington State – a little bit of a commute to get some family treatment…) I do want to thank everyone (pregnant or not!) who gave me their input, I always feel better knowing what is going on and that a particular pain, in the ass no less! (no pun intended…) has a purpose. I read it will probably stick around for a week or two … woopee … but it is almost certainly nothing serious, just really ouchy and annoying and I shouldn’t do anything that hurts.

Not that I am a master of the realm of taking it easy but I promise to try.

I think I figured out what triggered this too, it started a three days ago now, and three days ago I switched from my snow boots to my (overly well broken in/glued together) sneakers. I think that my sneakers are not giving me any support (not too surprising they have no arch and are from goodwill…) I was going to switch back to my snow boots today to see if there was a difference but the zipper broke on them (why Universe? WHY!?) so I am just going to have to get new sneakers it seems. That’s okay.

The stabbing shooting pain is still there of course but my super cushy slippers help lots and my aunt gave me a couple links with some stretches to do for it (omg I love tailor stretching, it feels sooo good!) Maybe I will get a balancing ball and see if that helps (am I allowed to bounce around the house with it?) After trying some of the stretches I can walk around my home without much discomfort which is fantastic! The stairs are another matter though, damn swingy hips!

Happy thoughts though, beyond belly and baby love and setting aside aches and pains, I would like to venture into the realms of pregnant vanity for just a moment to tell you all about this one marvelous change my body has made.

Cleavage.

Oh my gosh! I have breasts with cleavage.

Total and absolute awesomeness.

I have this pain that has been developing for a couple days in my butt/leg area. It seems to start deep in my left butt cheek and when I walk more then a few steps it radiates like a piercing fire down to my knee area along the outside of my leg. It is excruciating! Pelvic rocking seems to relieve it slightly but basically every position (sitting, standing, walking) is aggravating to some level.

I was at the doctor’s yesterday and I sugguested it might be ligament pain since my pelvic bones are stretching to make room for le bebe and she said such pain is normal. Today it hurts more and differently then ligament pain though and I am thinking it may have something to do with that butt nerve (sciatic nerve?) I don’t consider myself a wimp when it comes to pain, but this is seriously kicking my butt! Literally!

I’m about to see if a warm bath with help ease it but has anyone else (who has been pregnant) experienced this variety of pain?

The baby kicked as I was going up the stairs today and it was enough to make me loss my balance and fall over. I am 100% fine but…

My dignity aches!

The baby is sooo active, it is so cool! He is getting big enough that my whole stomach moves when he kicks or repositions. It kind of reminds me of Alien! (I realize that is not the most attractive definition but it is pretty true…) He is developing some rather defined awake/sleep cycles, I could set a timer by a lot of them. The most notable of them happens to be around 21:00, when I am trying to go to sleep. If I rub my tummy or hum sometimes he calms, sometimes he gets more active though, but he responds to where I touch in those cases.

Otherwise all is well except for a pet peeve I have developed (I think it is a pet peeve.) I have noticed that when I tell people that it is a boy people say, “I’m sure Michael is pleased!” What? He wouldn’t be pleased or as happy if it were a girl? I know Michael is not a typical “guy” but really are general male expectations that strongly bias as to create that stereotype? I wish people would quit saying that. We are happy it is a healthy baby, period. But like I said this is just a pregnancy pet peeve. (Also, no, Michael and I will not be decorating our little boy’s room with a sports theme, we are doing a neutral celestial one.)

Oh! And the baby really likes when I stand with direct sunlight on my belly, I wonder if he is aware of the light in a visual way or if it is more about the warmth?

I think I am totally having a nesting instinct day. Michael ended up having to work until 13:00 today so I can’t move any of the furniture (heck I picked up a stack of newspaper this morning and I felt it. I didn’t realize those suckers were so heavy!) I can however clean, and not the light cleaning, that “let’s pull out the big guns!” cleaning.

Whoever said that cleaning doesn’t count as working out has obviously never cleaned like this.

I do not like harsh chemicals, I am one of those people who like to keep their homes as “green” as possible. However I am also frugal, even if Michael and I made an exuberant amount of money (which we don’t) I would probably still be frugal for three reasons:

• I hate waste.
• I like to do things myself.
• It is better for the environment.

So my cleaning my arsenal mainly consists of eco-friendly stuff. Even better then that factory made stuff is my favorite weapon, diluted apple cider vinegar. It is cheap and it works miracles. Yes elbow grease is required, however it is not matter what cleaner you use.

Step aside Pinesol, you cannot remove winter boot scuff marks on my linoleum floors, but vinegar solution can. They are now sparking clean (and smell like vinaigrette ** too…)

You can step aside too Windex, I use scrunched up old newspaper and a diluted apple cider vinegar field spray bottle to clean my windows and mirrors. I don’t know by the black ink doesn’t smear off on the windows, but it doesn’t and they get so sparkling clean!

Do any of you use homemade cleaners around your home? What are they?

Aos got in the litter pail somehow today and got it all over the floor… Erg.

Michael and I braved the snow last night and went to our first Bradley class at the Spokane Midwives Center. In case I have not talked about it before, the Bradley Method is a partner-coached type of natural childbirth, my mother-in-law recommended it to me. I really enjoyed the class. Our instructor, Jennifer, is really warm and friendly and I like the seven other couples there.

Weirdness in class though, we were watching a video about natural birth, mainly focused on home birth, and my breasts started hurting… Not exactly hurt as in pain, but a very strong tingle. Later when we were doing relaxation exercises later and my breasts began to leak, it really surprised me! I am only at 21 weeks right now! I was a little self-conscious but somehow relieved that I could lactate. It happened again today too, but just very briefly. I can’t wait to be a mother, just the yearning of that alone is enough to make my breasts ache! Hehe.

Pregnancy is bringing lots of changes to my body, not all comfortable but I am still really loving it. It feels so natural and wonderful. I feel like this is where I am suppose to be at this stage in my life.

Ron Paul is going to be speaking at the city center DoubleTree Hotel (322 N. Spokane Falls Court) tomorrow at 5pm.

As long as I am out of my obgyn appointment by then, Michael and I are going to listen to him. I am looking forward to it, I like a lot of his stances and honestly he is as close to libertarian as we are going to come for awhile. If anyone local is going to go too, let me know, maybe we can meetup there.

~~~

In totally unrelated stuff, I love Two Lumps!

Graywolf drew this beautiful picture and dedicated it to me and two more of her pregnant friends, Mearu and Lisa. It is called “Beidh mé leat”, which means “I’ll be with you”. Graywolf says we are amazing and I have to say, I think she is amazing too. She has been through a lot in her life and she is one of the most empowered people I know. Her art is incredible (she made the corset for my handfasting last summer!) and is only rivaled by her compassion for others. Thank you Graywolf for dedicating this piece in part to me, it really made my day.

I am feeling the baby move so much lately, every 3 hours or so I feel flutters. Michael even felt one recently and you should have seen the look on his face, it was so priceless. If I had to pick a moment to realize just how amazing of a father he is going to be, I think it was that one. This baby is such a precious gift and we both want to give it all the love in the world. Sometimes it is hard to believe that my little body is capable of growing a new life, one that Michael and I created together.

I think it is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. I feel so very blessed.

We rent a two bedroom townhouse here in Spokane, it is our little home, but could it ever be a homestead? Maybe not, but I am rather determined to get it as close to that as possible.

From Wikipedia: “Currently the term homesteading applies to anyone who is a part of the back-to-the-land movement and who chooses to live a sustainable, self-sufficient lifestyle.

I know I could only dream of growing enough food to feed my family on my little 17×8 shaded patio (the soil part of it is only 6×7 feet and it is mainly hard clay.) But I also know there there are things I can do that will move me as close to the homesteading dream as possible. I know we will not live here forever. Currently my goal is to own 5 acres 10 years from now, but between now and then, I want to live my life in a way that keeps me as close to the Earth as possible. And cheaply! I truly believe that we can live a green live without using tons of green!

I have a lot of doubt of course, I have a lot of personal negativity that has to be dealt with while I move along this path. I admit I am a total city girl. I was raised in very big cities, Spokane is the smallest place I have ever lived with half a million people. My parents did have houses and we always had gardens but I really do not know the first thing about farming. How do you irrigate a garden large enough to feed a family? How do you retrofit a house with solar panels? How do you set up a chicken coop? Do chickens attack you when you gather their eggs? Heck, I’ve never even changed a diaper you know? Most city girls know even that, and here I am wanting to use cloth diapers on my baby.

Still I am trying very hard to stay positive so that the daunting feelings of “not knowing” fail to discourage me. Most of my dreams are healthily sprinkled with idealism and well as being long term. They will require their large share of dedication and back breaking work. I do know with all certainly that I can learn and that I am driven to learn. I know I am intelligent and creative and I can achieve this if I really want it.

But back to the townhouse homestead, I figure if I start small I can grow from there and see how far it takes me. We have done all the usual “green” stuff already with changing to compact fluorescent light bulbs, recycling, buying used whenever, buying local whenever I can. I try to plan meals around what is in season (which is also cheaper.) I try to make as much stuff from scratch as I can. This morning I am going to be making chicken stock. I know some people don’t go this far even, but I find a huge personal reward is knowing that I have made something that is as close to the Earth as possible with my current means.

Still, I feel I could do more, my goals are small for this year, they have to stay in our budget (we have no debt and I want to keep it that way) and they must work around all the learning which comes with having your first baby. These are the things I can to do this year, (I plan on documenting all them, maybe they will eventually help someone with dreams similar to mine):

1. Vermicomposting: In the next month, I will be setting up an indoor worm bin, I have everything I need for it except a pound of red wigglers (worms) which I am waiting to here back about from a couple sources. Vermicomposting is basically using worms to quicken the composting process. It is an efficient way to get ride of my organic kitchen waste with no smell and I can use the worm castings (poo) to enrich the soil for my plants.

2. Herb Garden: I want to grow all the herbs I currently buy prepackaged in the store. I plan on growing them in containers (so that I can bring them in come winter time.) I am going to start with the ones I purchase most frequently; basil, cilantro, rosemary, mint, oregano, thyme. I eventually want to pick up more but I think these are the best ones for me to start with. I will probably buy starter plants as I do not have the room the start things from seed.

3. Vegetable Garden: This year I will probably only grow tomatoes and perhaps strawberries, again from starter plants and in containers. Personal rant on GM foods aside, I would like heirloom if possible. I am choosing to do these in containers as my patio soil it is very poor and needs lots of work to make it better. (I may plant Purple Prairie Clover in the soil as it grows well in poor soil and fixes nitrogen in the soil.) If these do well on my patio then next year I may expand to more types of vegetables.

My biggest current delema with tomatoes in determinate and indeterminate, basically ones that grow to a fixed size a stop or ones that vine and keep growing. Determinate seems best for container gardening, however all their fruit ripens at once, where as indeterminate ones have bare fruit all season long.

4. Baby: Our biggest change this year will be the baby, as any new parents wants, I hope to do everything right but mistakes as also part of the learning process. I want to breastfeed, use cloth diapers, make my own baby food (when that stage comes.) I want the baby to grow up knowing how important taking care of the Earth is and be surrounded by it’s beauty.

Maybe that is the main reason I am making this whole green push, I have been gradually doing it over time, but I feel I need to set a good example for Michael and my child. I know that starts with me being dedicated to the things I love. Whatever direction these goals end up going, I am sure they will all lead to a very interesting year though!

Michael and I are going to our duchy’s Twelfth Night celebration today, the duke and duchess specifically requested that we attend… Which is a little weird to me, as we have pretty much been inactive for most of 2007. Still it will be fun, I need to make a dessert to bring and I am really not in the mood for that this morning. Unfortunately they did not have Haagen-Daa Reserve Amazon Valley Chocolate ice cream in the Middle Ages. Unfortunately we do not have any in the freezer at the moment either… *sniff*

This is my hearth altar at the moment. I want to change it up, maybe put some Spring flowers there, I just need to find the energy…

The second Temple Free Spirit newsletter will becoming out Monday. We didn’t get as many submission this time and I wonder if this season affects people other than me. Mid-January to February I feel like all my energy is draining away, maybe filling up those persistent clouds outside, or getting lost in the fog. Then in rains down on me and washes what it left into the soil. Maybe the Earth needs it more then me though.

My doctor wants me to talk to the clinic councilor at the end of the month, which I will, though I really don’t think it will help any. I truly believe it is just the weather getting me down. As soon as the sun returns, so will my energy. It has always been this way. I admit this year it is worse then usual and I am sure pregnancy in amplifying it but I am certain I am not going to go antepartum psychotic though. Just give me back the sun. Maybe that is why the snake has been visiting me so often in my dreams lately, he always comes with the sun.

I don’t really know why I am talking about this particular mood right now. I am not sad or happy, I am just kind of… void. Easier to sit by my daylight (a really bright light that emulates sunlight) then do much of anything else, until I am recharged at least. But if anyone else feels like this, you aren’t alone you know? It isn’t your fault the your energy level currently does not match the height of pots and pans in the sink.

Speaking of which, I ought to make some apple pie… and do this dishes.

A few people have asked me what I want for my birthday, which is on Wednesday!

I would like to have Bradley classes, which will cost $250 for a set (12 weeks.) I don’t expect someone to give me all that but every little bit helps. So if you want to give a little, we have a paypal account at:
babyfund[at]michaelandjaspenelle[dot]com
If by some chance we get more then $250, the rest will go towards more baby stuff!

So what am I doing for my birthday? Not sure yet, other then I going to the Pagan meetup downtown. I love seeing my friends!

Oh and that is me to the left if ya didn’t know. Is that a baby belly? It just kind of just appeared recently when I noticed that I no longer have a waist…

I think I felt the baby move recently, felt like a butterfly in my tummy, but maybe it is just wishful thinking!

(I drew this last February, I was originally going to henna it on the head of my dream but I found out my drum is treated, so it won’t take the henna. I need an untreated drum…)

I do not know when I saw my first snake but since I can remember I visualized snakes when I was scared. Because of this I see them as a protective power animal. When I was upset the image of myself covered in snakes would come to mind, they would all be hissing at whatever bothered me. Oddly it was not until recently that I had too much of an interest in the different species of snakes, maybe because I was always covered in a variety of snakes until the past year or so.

I had two snake dreams last night:

I was trying to find my glasses [this happens occasionally in my dreams] and instead I found two snakes. One was red and black banded (kind of like this one – thanks for the picture Kyrss!) and the other was black and red with a yellow band between the stripes (Kyrss said it might be a coral snake?) I was surrounded by mirrors in this dream.

I didn’t get much of a closer look as I couldn’t find my glasses and the dream began to fade.

The next dream actually happened while I napped this morning:

I was standing under the World Tree and there was a large snake hanging from one of its branches. I had my glasses in this dream I guess and I saw the snake quite well as I was only standing a couple feet from it.

[It was greenish/brown, more green then brown, with egg shaped yellow eyes and round pupils. It's scales were quite well defined because each one seemed to have black line around the edge. It was moderately skinny snake that was maybe 4 feet long. I am thinking it might be a boomslang?]

The tree was beautiful, it had branches that were in all seasons and I could hear the calls of various animals in its branches. Both the sun and the moon were high above, stars were out in one portion of the sky. I recognized one of my guides, a white raven on a branch near by as well as a green mamba. They did not seem to notice me in the dream though, so I returned focus to the first snake. He did not speak to me in the dream but I felt at peace with him near. I also got a strong mental image of a snake being my backbone and the pathway between my chakras.

The snake is one of my favorite aspects of symbolism. I wrote about it in my diary awhile ago:

In ever culture you will find legends of the serpent. It is a creature who cannot leave the ground, therefor tied to base desires and material matters. But it is also a creature about to shed its own skin and because of this, it is a powerful symbol of resurrection, rebirth and self-awakening. These two factors give the snake its dual nature, linking it both to the Heavens and the Earth.

Since becoming pregnant I have found myself more drawn to the snake as my totem. In my dreams she often appears as the blue eyes bringer of wisdom, as well as a birther of creation and manifestation. In a lot of ways her dyadic nature is reflected in another of my totems, the white raven. I wonder if there are any ties between the vulture and the snake? Weren’t they both on the Pharaoh’s crown?

In the past year I have noticed three reoccurring snakes in my meditations and dreams. The first is the green mamba, the second is a black and white sea krait. Both these always have blue eyes, though in the physical world there eyes are different. The third snake, and most recent is this black/yellow/red snake or red/black, which has only appeared fleetingly since I have become pregnant.

Any thoughts on possible meaning of either of these dreams? I have my own thoughts but I would like to hear yours first.

I thought I was getting my ultrasound today but it turns out today was just a check up. I have lost three pounds which baffled me a bit as I have been eating and had very little morning sickness. I had bad morning sickness today though, so I wonder if it was water weight? Still I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so more food for me.

I am having my ultrasound on January 24th, I have to pee 3 hours before going and then drink 32oz of water and hold it. Oh joy. I just may explode! If we bring a blank vhs they will tape some of it for us, does anyone still use vhs? Do they sell them? I think we have a couple upstairs maybe… We don’t even have a vcr.

Still, all is well. One of Michael’s coworkers may be giving us a crib and I look forward to setting that up!

This poem is based on a dream I had a few nights ago.

(Image from Space.com.)

Mother, I feel your light.
I am a moth, drawn towards it’s glow.
Burned to ash, I am swept away,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I embrace you.
I lay resting in your crypt, your womb.
This body I give back for you to reuse,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I drink from you.
In the chalice of eternity, I drown.
Deep within your waters a rhythm begins,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I breathe you in.
The ecstasy of life fills my lungs.
Holy wings beat strong, bearing me forth,
      so that my spirit may return.

Mother, I am your light.
By Fire, Earth, Water and Wind, I live.
I am a sacred drop in the forces of All,
      my spirit has returned.

(There was a Delicate Cycnia Moth present in my dream.)