A woman said something to me when I was at the park with Damian this morning that really hurt. I was sitting down for a minute to catch my breath after a Braxton Hicks (false contraction) and some woman just came up to me and informed me that I should get up and chase him around to loose “all that extra weight you’re packing and set a healthy example.”
Maybe I just look fat rather then pregnant in the Winter coat but that is no reason for her to have said that! I am measuring exactly where I am suppose to for this pregnancy. How is what she said even remotely helpful? Was it suppose to motivating? So bizarre form of tough love? Was she just trying to randomly hurt the feelings of a stranger? She succeeded in that last one.
I don’t understand how people can be so heartless, I’ve never had someone be so out-of-the-blue cruel to me before. I was having such a shitty morning and went to the park because it makes me feel better and I feel she stole that from me, and I let her. I’m angry that I feel this way and that the only thing I could sputter out was “What the hell is wrong with you?” and she shrugged smiled and walked off, and I let her. I should have grabbed her and slapped her smug bitchy face, I should have stayed in the park rather then coming home and crying.
I hope she falls, breaks her neck, becomes bedridden, gains hundreds of pounds, dies alone and burns in Hell. And no, I can’t even find it in me to feel sorry for her right. I just… I’m so upset. I miss my mom, she would have killed her with a look.
(I think it is funny that Aos is the only one looking at the camera…)
I know this is going to sound horribly petty, but I am really tired of gaining weight.
I know, I know… It is because of the baby and I can loose it afterwards but for some reason it is really getting me down today. Might be because of the guy who called me a fat cow on the bus plaza escalator today. The women standing behind me ripped him a new one after hearing it but still. It bugged me.
I took the stairs back down after, just thinking about the escalator made me want to cry. Oh well… I suppose that it is better for me to take them anyways. I get really winded really easily lately the baby is sitting so high, I am sure I have lungs somewhere in there… I am really looking forward to the baby engaging, even if that does crush my bladder.
Then I got stuck beside a meth addict on the bus and she was picking her scabs and fidgeting. Though I feel sorry for the situation she has found herself in, I had to move. It was driving me nut and I wanted to yell at her that she was throwing her life away. Which wouldn’t have helped her, it would have made me feel bad if I had anyhow.
I’m just so tired, it is really hard to get restful sleep anymore and I have to get up at 4:45 every morning for work. I put in my two weeks at work yesterday, somehow it made me feel weak to do that though I know it was the right choice for me. I expected to stay till the end of May. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.
I am randomly emotional lately too, it makes me feel like I am losing my mind. I am happy 95% of the time but that 5% really sucks. I was holding a baby quilt my mother-in-law made when I got home and just started crying and I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t sad or lonely, I just wanted to cry, so I did. Michael’s support helps beyond words of course but I know my mood swings are not the easiest things to handle. He tells me without prompting how beautiful I am and how much I mean to him. I know he means it and his sincerity feels so beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful too.
I am so ready to meet this baby.
6 more weeks.
I just want a hug.
